The Swingers Attic

Tag: jealousy issues

Wanting to be fair but am jealous and possessive

by on Mar.05, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
Hello Miranda and Arron,

My husband and I are new to swinging. We have been married for 20+
years. I introduced the concept swinging when we were first dating.
After we got married, my husband wanted to swing and I did not. So, we
did not.

He has brought up the idea from time to time, but he never pressured
me. After 20 years, I told him that I would be happy to try a MFM or
MFMMM… as these scenarios are my primary fantasies.

So, we started swinging. It has been 3 months and I love it. I love
the attention from multiple males. It makes me feel beautiful and
sexy, and I love that too.

Last week I said that it would be okay if he changed our profile to
include women. It seemed fair and reasonable. I was very happy and
relieved to make this offer. It felt genuine.

The next day, and everyday since, I have been consumed with negative
feelings. I feel deeply jealous and possessive. The thought of seeing
him with another woman makes me hate all other women.

Intellectually I can reconcile offering my husband the same experience
that he allowed me to have. When I think about it as being fair and
reasonable, I feel like I can do it, and I want to do it.

But, when it seems real, then I am consumed with feelings of fear,
hatred, and jealousy. I am feeling a little confused to say the
least… Please help.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I totally understand and sympathize with your feelings. I know sometimes I say things to Aarron thinking okay so I’m totally ready for this or that, only to run into insecurities and doubt.
You have two options in a situation like this. Either back out of the bargain and let your husband know you just aren’t ready yet but thought you were or…jump in feet first and try the situation out. Yes I know the second option is scary and to many people would seem crazy but sometimes we build things up in our heads so much they seem really big only to try something and find…hey this wasn’t bad, in fact I enjoyed it.
I was asked to go skydiving in my early twenties and I decides to go, but being SO scared I cried all the way to the place with four other girls in my car to listen to my fear. I got out of the car and thought people would DIE!!! I paid my $150.00 and watched the video and talked to the instructors and still had tears falling down my face. The instructors decided to make me go first so I could chicken out. On the way up I felt so dizzy and scared I was pretty sure I would jump but only because I fell out of the plane and passed out from fear. We jumped and to be honest with you I have never felt so free, alive and totally excited in ALL my life since.
Now I’m not saying that you watching your husband sleep with other women will make you feel as I did when I jumped out of a plane but maybe you are bringing more insecurity to the situation than needed. Just remember you never have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with and if in the end your insecurities do get the best of you well…that’s okay and your husband should be okay with that.
One more idea that just sprang to mind is maybe finding a female who’s willing to watch on the side lines for a while maybe one or two play sessions and at some point adding her to the fun. Whether it’s a MFM or just you and your husband getting naughty. Seek a female who is patient and maybe one who is also new to the lifestyle so there’s no pressure. I hope I’ve helped, and also remember to listen to yourself when it comes to your feelings. Your inner heart know what it will and won’t be up for so follow your heart as silly as that sounds. Good luck!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Humans are not always rational. You have experienced something and have analyzed your own feelings so realize that letting your husband experience similar things should be fine.
You are also a product of a society that teaches us to try and posses our partners in ways that make absolutely no sense. Books, news, gossip, movies all teach us not to be okay with letting our significant other get sexual gratification from others.
You are not alone in this type of thinking. Many people who enter the world on swinging and even more so people who are dipping their toes into polyamory experience conflicting emotions just as you described.
There is no easy fix to what you are dealing with.
It could end up being a long mental battle for you if you decide to continue on.
One option that Miranda didn’t mention is to maybe seek out couples who soft swing.
A soft swing couple would allow you to be able to build some lust up with a male while your husband gets to play a bit with a woman. In other words… you will be occupied mentally on something that will lessen your attention a bit on your husband and you will also know he is not going to be actually having intercourse.
A few experiences like that could lessen your emotional distress over him with other women before you decide to take it all the way.
I would like to caution you on trusting your emotional response once it has become more in line with your thinking.
Sometimes people begin to think it is all going well and their emotions are being put in check only to have them blow up again without much notice.
My reason for me mentioning that is because if a person is prone to such extreme negative feelings they should keep very aware of how they are feeling at all times.
You should also talk with your husband and with thoroughness explain what you think vs how you feel.
Do not make him become wary of your possible emotional responses, just make sure that he is aware and understands. Let him know that you wish to get through it and will need his support in doing so.
I am guessing that he will be understanding and willing to work through it by how you explained your situation.

 

 

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Opening Pandora’s box and blocking emotions

by on Nov.03, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

The other night was mine and my husband first couple experience, he had
allowed me to play with other women alone before but this was our
first time playing together so we were both nervous in the beginning
but we started with some exhibition to break the ice,but when he wanted
the other female I was sooo uncomfortable I withdrew myself from
participation,and as he did other sexual acts with this woman I felt
even more hurt like he wasn’t mine anymore. Even though I had allowed
him to play,and even encouraged it I felt like he was at fault for
wanting her. Now I just feel stupid for even opening pandora’s box. I
want to get past my hurt and continue in the lifestyle because I’m the
one who pursued it. Do you have any tips on how to block some the
emotion so we can continue participating in the lifestyle?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Blocking emotions in this lifestyle when open communications is essential truly is not advised.
You need to let your husband know exactly how you feel. Tell him you were really uncomfortable with the situation and you wished you had communicated that at the time because now you feel as if you opened a can of worms and don’t want to put them on your fishing line anymore.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel because shutting them in and playing anyway truly is a recipe for divorce (whether you think so or not) or the making of a dishonest sexual relationship that will eventually lead to lifestyle insecurities and blaming the other for the way you feel.  You’ll begin pointing fingers at each other and it won’t take long before the situation is totally out of control.
I know it’s cheesy, but honesty is the best policy.  For all you know your husband didn’t enjoy playing with this this women and did it because he thought you wanted him to.  Point out the elephant in the room, don’t just try putting a sheet over him.  This may even help you feel more comfortable with your husband playing with other females in the long run because you’ll know that if you’re uncomfortable with the situation you can stop play or at least feel comfortable with coming to him with your feelings after.
I will say after having this talk with your husband maybe give the lifestyle a little break and sort through all the emotions in your head, and then try playing with a female again just to make sure it wasn’t a first time uncomfortable event.
Sometimes couples face insecurities in the lifestyle and it’s essential to talk it out to move forward or backwards in the lifestyle.  Never move too fast and never move without a strategy.  If after some time you try playing again and feel the same way then swinging may not be for you, but hey I’m the type of person who’ll try anything twice, so maybe give it a shot.
First get it all out there how the night made you feel and then decide what to do next.  Your husband isn’t going to punish you because you were uncomfortable when you were the one who originally wanted to do it, and if he does then your relationship isn’t strong enough to swing in the first place.  Thank you for your openness with us and I wish you all the best when you open up to your husband.

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that you went through an experience that many thousands of people have gone through. You are not alone.
You like playing with other girls, and you thought you would be OK with a threesome, but the real deal didn’t fit emotionally like it did as a fantasy or hypothetical situation.
You had a bit of jealousy, you became freaked out, and your thoughts ran crazy.
I have heard your exact scenario from both men and women about first time swinging adventures many times. I have heard them from people who swing and people who don’t swing when they find out that I do. They tell me their horror story so to speak, and then ask how I cope.
I tell them it has never been an issue for me because I have always disconnected the act of sex from that of love. I have also never connected sex with proprietorship over another individual.
From your reaction to the situation you obviously do both. It made you feel loss. It confused you.
Dampening your emotions is not the way to go.
Suppressing such feelings isn’t healthy. I have met couples who had success after such an experience just by pushing through it and swinging until they didn’t care so much, but I have seen that become a bad situation too.
My advice is to step back and think. Think about the fact that people can have great sex with people they just met and don’t even know their names. Realize that if you did such a thing you would not love your husband any less. Realize that if your husband did such a thing he would love you still and still be yours as you put it. He certainly wouldn’t belong to lady X that he didn’t even know the name of.
Marriage is not about sex. Ask 90% of men who have been married over ten years and you will find that one is true. (Though many will wish it was more about sex)
You say “I want to get past my hurt and continue in the lifestyle because I’m the one who pursued it.”
That is not the best reason to continue. Weigh your pros and cons when it comes to the lifestyle. Ask yourself what you think you will get out of pursuing it. Ask yourself what problems you may deal with, and if it is worth it. Don’t do it just because you originally wanted to do so.
If you soul search and find you do wish to participate in swinging, but don’t want to have the same experience repeat then you should slow down and set some boundaries to protect yourself.
If you are only engaging in threesomes with other women then maybe you could start with an anything goes between you and the other girl, but your husband may only ________. (fill in the blank)
As you get used to his more limited play you can open it up a bit.
“Honey, I’d like you to ________ next time.” type of thing.
If you are playing with couples then maybe soft swing and have an only go as far as I do type rule.
It is hard to get jealous when you are leading the way and setting the pace. It even can become a sort of secret game between you.
Play within your comfort boundaries.
Boundaries can be very important, and crossing them takes the fun away from it all. If it isn’t going to be fun there is no point in swinging.
Whatever you do… blocking emotion is usually a dangerous path, and it is not one I recommend.
I truly hope you are able to work your way through this and enjoy because I am guessing that it is something you wish to do for yourself even more than because you were the one to originally pursue it.
Set boundaries and talk it to death until your comfortable. Go slow, and be careful. If you do, you’ll more than likely be amazed at how soon those boundaries will expand.

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