The Swingers Attic

Tag: meeting people

Confidence and a wife that goes for hotter guys

by on Aug.06, 2012, under Insecurities

Question:

We are newbies with experience. My wife is way hotter than me and always goes for guys that are way hotter than me. We always end up with couples exactly the opposite. Hot guy with less hot woman.
I’m not ugly in any way, just average. My wife seems to never be interested in men of my caliber though and always is after the male model looking guys. If the guy has a wife like that they usually say no thank you.
My wife not wanting to play with guys of my caliber and only going for the super studs is giving me a lot of insecurity. I have had fun, but am thinking to quit the lifestyle over it.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I’m sorry for your experiences with the “better looking” guys.
I totally understand where you’re coming from but want to remind you that swinging is a women powered sport. If the women likes the man…it’s a go, if the man wants the women he better pray she finds him attractive. It’s not fair, but very typical in the lifestyle.
I think what you need to do is sit down and talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. Make sure you convey how serious this is to you and how you’re feeling inadequate to the fabio’s she’s tending to be drawn to.
I think the one thing I dislike about swinging is it’s dating times four, which makes it that much harder. Everyone in the equation must say “game on” for the equation to work and sometimes rejection is gonna happen, but it shouldn’t be happening ALL the time. Let your wife know you don’t want to play if she’s going to continuously going to pick men and women she knows aren’t going to want to meet up.
I will add that a man is much sexier if he’s confident, so maybe your insecurities are not starting with being rejected but starting by believing you aren’t good looking.
Women are like animals, we sense when a man isn’t confident in himself, so whether it’s a profile picture or meeting one on one remember you’re only as good looking as you think you are…truly.
I think equality is SOOOO important in swinging, but remember sometimes it’s hard to find it.
Everyone has different tastes. I haven’t seen you, but believe you’re good looking to many women and just need the extra boost in knowing you are. You attracted your wife.
Let your wife know you need reassurance of your looks. Once she starts pumping you up I know for a fact you’ll feel sexier and more desirable which will in turn make you so. You’ll start feeling more confident and visually looking so. Try and think that the only thing average about you is your confidence so have a little faith in yourself and remember beauty is in the sparkle of your eyes. I know that sounds SOOOOOOO cheesy but it is true. When looking for a couple if the guy doesn’t sparkle his eyes at me I know he’s not interested or has lack of confidence. Never let them see you sweat, unless in the bedroom. Average is average but a man with sparkle in is eyes is totally sexy. Your wife should be giving you your sparkle. Thanks for writing in and remember communication is key in swinging so talk to your honey, I bet you’ll feel better after you do.

Answer:
By Aarron-
You say you are not ugly. Your just average. You say your wife is hotter than you. You always end up with couples exactly the opposite. “Hot guy with less hot woman.”
First I will say that what my wife says about confidence is true. Women love confidence.
Next I will say that if these couples you are getting together with where the wives are “less hot” are not doing it for you then you need to not be playing with such couples. Your doing exactly what you think you wish your wife to do.
She shouldn’t go for guys she isn’t attracted to and you shouldn’t go for women you are not into.
Take your time and look for couples you both find attraction with.
If your feeling these women whom you do find attractive are a higher caliber than yourself it will come across in how you act with them.
Needy, desperate, scared… are all things I am envisioning. None of those things will turn a woman on very often.
The women you do play with that you consider your caliber or less… how do you act with them?
I’m guessing more confident because you are not worried.
Act that way with everyone.

I would like to add that sexing it up with people you are not into is not very nice to the women in question. (at least not in my mind)
You wouldn’t want those girls of a higher caliber (as you put it) to have sex with you only because their spouse somehow got them to do so, or because they felt you where the best they could do… but would prefer someone different would you?
I wouldn’t.

Pick your partners based on desires. Your doing a disservice to both you and your partners if you don’t really want to be there.

Also… if you open your eyes a bit you will find that very few people are completely mismatched.
Why is the “male model looking guy” married to the woman?
Does he think it is a mismatch? He probably thinks she is the most awesome thing ever. That is probably why he married her. Just maybe he is a tad better looking, but maybe she is the best sex he ever had. Or maybe she is the sweetest thing under the sun.
More often than not though it is just a matter of personal tastes.
He may love thick thighs while you see fat. He may love small breasts while you see to skinny. He may like really short girls while you are into super tall.
He most likely considers his wife much more beautiful than yours.
You obviously (from what you’ve said) consider your wife more beautiful than his.
That is just fine. It is your wife. The girl YOU thought was so amazing you needed to marry her.
That girl who isn’t exactly your favorite is that “male model looking guy’s” version of someone so amazing he wanted to get married to her.

 

 

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Dealing with being rejected in the lifestyle

by on Jun.28, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

My wife and I have been swinging a very short time. We have mostly had fun and it has made us both very happy people in and out of the bedroom.
The problem is that we sometimes face rejection and my wife takes it very personal. She gets bent out of shape for days and even weeks. We know rejection is part of the lifestyle. My wife doesn’t know how to deal with it well though.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so coming from a women’s point of view, YES it does suck to be rejected, but it is totally part of the game.
Earlier this year Aarron and I attended an on premise social party with around a hundred couples where not a single couple was interested and at the end of the night I was devastated a completely crushed.
It really had never happened to us before and although the couples at the event really weren’t our type of creatures, man it still hurt.
Make sure to let your wife know it’s a dating game for sure, but full throttle.
If couples aren’t interested then…they aren’t and they move on. I’m sure you two haven’t wanted to play with EVERY couple you’ve met, so think of it as for every time you are rejected there will be a time you will reject a couple.
I do totally understand because I think us women take things more emotionally and personally,so yes being rejected is a little disheartening.
As for advice on coping with rejection…there really is none I can give that you probably haven’t heard before. Whether you’re passed up for a job or looked over at a lifestyle event rejection is a part of life. When Aarron and I feel rejected I just think okay so no time wasted, let’s move on, saves a lot of time and disappointment.
I hope I’ve cushioned your fall but and I think in time your wife will grow accumstomed to the occasional let down, it truly does come with time. Thanks for writing in and when life gets you down, put some dirt on it and get back out there!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not everyone is going to click and rejection will happen. It is a bit less subtle in the lifestyle than in the regular/mundane club settings because everyone is so much more upfront about what they wish.
Lifestyle clubs and events are fast paced.
When we first started in swinging I rejected a few couples (lots actually) that in hindsight I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes I even hope I run into certain couples just to see if I can right my mistakes. I also used to always reject single girls immediately as I didn’t wish to waste time.
We wanted couples. Why chat it up with a single gal?
I went through a phase of blowing off soft swingers because my wife preferred full swap even though I actually enjoyed such situations. She hadn’t vetoed the soft swingers, I was just trying to not waste time.
We are all in such a hurry when we are at a club or social event for swinging.
We scan the room, pick our targets and go after them. Hopefully our targets are receptive and didn’t pick anybody themselves yet. Hopefully they are not there to only hang out with existing friends. Hopefully they are not the type to flirt and then ditch later for what they think is a better catch. Hopefully once we chat a bit we don’t decide they are not our type and have to reject them after we made the first move.
So many variables. So many ways to get shot down.
You can’t take it to personal because there is no way you are going to be everyone’s favorite flavor of the night.
The same goes with online sites like SwingLifeStyle and Lifestyle Lounge. You will write people and get a negative response or even no response pretty dang often if your the aggressor.
We don’t make first contact on such sights anymore because we primarily meet new people through others. Because we don’t write first we don’t have to deal that anymore, but we do still keep profiles in hopes of meeting some great new friends so people write us.
We don’t invite every couple that writes us over for a game of naked twister. Sometimes it is just a bad profile. Sometimes it is bad pictures. Maybe it is a single answer to a question that makes us say no. Maybe I think they look fabulous, but Miranda doesn’t like something. To shy? To arrogant? To many rules?
We know people pass us by for all those same reasons. As much as I would like to be the ideal male in every females eyes… I know I am not. Nobody is.
We are all going to reject and be rejected.
So… no big advice here today. Just me pointing out the obvious.

I do have a goofy idea though…
Point out couples next time your at a club and ask your wife if she is into them.
Show her profiles and ask her if she is into them.
Count out how many she rejects.
It may help put it into perspective that it isn’t really that big of a deal.

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