The Swingers Attic

Tag: nervous

Dinner with the new and nervous

by on Sep.03, 2011, under Dinner & drinks

Question:

We always liked meeting new couples for dinner and drinks, but over the last year I have gotten where I am not like meeting newbies because they always ask the same questions and tell the same stories. How long have you been doing this, who thought of it first, we have been talking about it for umpteen years, etc.
I get irritated and if the couple acts shy and nervous I even start being a bitch. Can’t help it. Especially if the guy is trying to act the macho man and the woman is sitting in silent fear.
These types of dates used to be one of my favorite things about the lifestyle besides the sex itself. My husband says I need to step back and remember being new and nervous myself, but I just can’t seem to sympathize. I don’t like clubs and I am not a party girl so these dates are the only way we have to meet new people.
Not sure what exactly my question even is, but any advice you two have would be nice.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I can completely understand where you’re coming from, but I can honestly say that Aarron and I, even when we were new to the whole lifestyle, didn’t ask those questions.
We had them asked to us from experienced swingers.  I think it’s important to remember that the small talk of a swinger isn’t “Wow the weather is just fabulous this afternoon,” and other such statement of nothingness. Swinger small talk consists of  “So how long have you been in the lifestyle and who’s idea was it??”  I know it’s repetitious and can totally become a complete drag, but I feel as if it is always part of the swinger dating game.
My advice on the topic is this, try texting, instant messaging, or talking on the phone with these newbies about these things first to get them out of the way so that way your dates can be filled with more socializing conversation that you’re interested in.  After all, the swinger small talk isn’t something that gets Aarron or I turned on.  We in most instances end up talking until restaurants are closing before we ask the couple back to our hotel room.  We chat about lifestyle experiences, but for the most part we converse about our own lives, comparing personalities and humor.  These things are sexual turn ons for us because we’re the type of swingers that want friends and not just a one time roll in the hay.  We love going places with our swinger friends in family situations (examples the zoo, movies, Saturday markets).  So the next time you two decide to get together with a new couple find out all the silly trivial small talk prior to meeting up. That way you’re more comfortable and other things can be discussed.
As for the macho man and quiet wife syndrome, I think that’s a fantastic way to notice you don’t like the couple, lol.  Cut things short, heck go to coffee so you aren’t committed to a long first meeting.  Or take your first meeting to a fun water park or miniature golf so there is a different focus and the swinger small talk isn’t just that…zzzzzzzz!!!  Meeting with new to the lifestyle swinger couples doesn’t have to be an up close and personal drink or dinner, mix it up.  Just like everything else in life, routine can ruin anything that once was fun.  Thank you for letting me voice my opinions, I hope they may help.

Answer:
By Aarron-
It can get monotonous sometimes. Going to new and interesting places is one way to change it up.
I am not so sure about the water-park idea, *cough cough* (my wife can be a nut) but we have met people at some interesting places. Aquariums, Seattle Center, markets, etc…
We have also invited new/nervous couples along on vanilla outings with other swinger couples. Get four already in the lifestyle couples and a couple singles all heading to a street fair and a new (just checking it out) couple or two together and you end up having a great vanilla day with a lot of innuendos and fun flirting. Very little or no boring talk is involved. We all head to lunch together and then the chat is controlled by the group dynamic. Fun stuff.
Many new couples however may be leery of such a meeting, so if you are going to do the dinner date thing or cocktails, you are going to get the lifestyle grilling. Just try and remember that these questions will put them at ease. Their stories of how they reached the point of contemplating non-monogamy are part of their journey. They don’t need to know you have heard the same story with different dates and names 10 times. They just want confirmation that you are listening and that what they are contemplating is a good choice for them. Your husband is right… you need to step back and remember being in that moment of decision. For most people the decision to take the plunge and follow through with it is a huge one. I would guess it was for you too.
The same thing goes with the shy and nervous couples. They are out of their comfort zone and desperately hoping the people sitting across from them will throw them a life preserver. That is you. They want to be comfortable. They want to take the plunge. They are rightfully nervous.
Your description of the “macho man” and his wife sitting in silent fear is pretty funny to me.
On our very first dinner date with another couple I was pretty well behaved. We could not have played with them though because all four of us had time restrictions. It was just a meet and see type thing.
On our second ever dinner date I froze up. I was the shy and nervous one. My wife was the talkative, flirtatious, confident acting one while I had no idea what to say.
Anyways, my advice is to follow your husbands advice, maybe seek a few venues to meet up at that you haven’t tried before, and to possibly take more control of the conversations themselves. It isn’t hard to lead a conversation in a new direction if you are not enjoying it.
Good luck.
I promise if we ever meet up and have dinner I wont ask you all those pesky questions.

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Flirty personalities and different environments

by on May.31, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
My husband and I have been talking for a while about opening our
relationship. We are both flirty personalities and give each other a
lot of leeway, but have not actually crossed the nonmonagamy line.
We’ve been taking more active steps lately, joining an online
community, doing things on cam online, and last night we went to a
swingers party. He got stimulated by it, I didn’t. I didn’t find it
sexy or erotic at all. He wanted to watch the live action and I felt
panicked, uptight and uncomfortable. How do I break this ice? I can
group flirt, mix and mingle and one on one flirt in vanilla bars and
regular parties. I can even take things a little further- Body shots
and kissing a girl at a pool party. But take me to a “swingers”
environment and my libido takes a rain check.

Worse is I don’t feel able to communicate this to him, so I look like
a complete mess… he watched me at the pool party.

Does this make sense?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I will tell you from personal experience that in group sex situation I don’t get turned on by watching others, besides my husband have sex.
Yes… I watch porn, which is entirely different but when in a “sex party” scenario I find it all to be sensor overload, and not erotic at all.
So I want you to know you’re not alone, and it’s completely normal. Because you haven’t actually swapped and officially entered into “Swingerville,” it’s hard to know how you’ll react when in a situation where you and your husband are having sex with another couple potentially. I definitely applaud you for taking a LARGE jump off a dock and going to a swinger party where there was actual swapping. Please remember also that I have gone to parties and not been turned on by the vibe of the room and also gone to others and because of the type of people and “vibe,” I was really turned on and had a great time.
My advice to you…tell your husband you really didn’t find it as hot and exciting as he did, but that doesn’t mean you will always feel that way.
Maybe try another party or maybe start looking for a couple to make out with or soft swap with. There are plenty of them out there, but you do have to put the time and effort into finding the right fit for you both.
I think it’s great you’re getting out there and exploring options. I also think it’s fantastic you dove into a party, but because it was not erotic maybe you need a little four on four and not a lot of party on party. Watching others have sex live can be a major turn on, but it seems to me you may have just not been at the right party for you.
When Aarron and I go to a local on premise sex club he always wants to walk around and checkout the scene and I get TOTALLY nervous, and as you said “uptight and uncomfortable,” because I find it strange to stand around and just watch people having sex. When we lay down and get into each-other I am able to look around and become aroused by the scene, but We almost got in a huge fight the first time we couldn’t find a place to get busy at because we kept walking around in circles and I felt so insane. It was almost like the game ‘duck duck goose’ but where everyone is having sex and you’re just peeping in on them.
The best part about this is that I DO NOT enjoy watching others have sex, but I ADORE being watched. Yeah figure that one out. I love having a crowd watch me and get off on it completely.
So in conclusion just let your husband know that the scene may not have been right and you’d like to venture and try something else. Communication is key, and without it you shouldn’t swing. Good luck and happy journeys!

Answer:
By Aarron-
First of all I would like to point out that every swingers party, group, scene, etc… is different.
Not just the people themselves, but also how they play and mingle.
You may have just not liked that groups way of playing around. I know I have been to clubs and parties that made me think “Get me the F out of here!”
I have also been to parties that made me feel very playful and in the mood.
In my own area I have learned to avoid certain clubs, cliques of people, and areas because I simply have no interest when I have went to their functions. I have also learned of certain groups that always throw parties to my liking.
Your best bet on that note is to check out some other places to mingle.
I would especially recommend some larger off premise parties.
Usually these types of parties are bar takeovers by groups. Tons of flirting, but no play at the bar. The type of flirty fun you have described enjoying is exactly what you can find at such events.
It is a great way to get to know people with zero pressure, and also find out about other events.
My other thought is that maybe you should try to find a few friends via the online swingers communities you have started using and go out to some places you know you will enjoy.
Not everyone has the same tastes, so sometimes it takes a while to find like minded people in the lifestyle, but it can happen.
As for communicating your feelings to your husband…
That is a must. It sounds like you have interest, but in a different way than he does. That is normal.
It is pretty rare for both partners to be inspired to swing for the same reasons.
My wife and I for example are motivated by completely different reasons and desires. We have however always voiced those thoughts. In the beginning it slowed us down a lot. We did not play the first few times we went to a club for example. It took us a while to figure out what we would both like doing and at what speed.
It then took us even longer to find the perfect people to do it with.
It was worth going slow and making sure everything was just right.
Don’t rush, and don’t go any farther than what is comfortable and fun.

Hope we have helped you mentally sort it all out a bit.
Maybe a few other readers will chime in with their thoughts too.

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