The Swingers Attic

Tag: new to swinging

Wanting to be fair but am jealous and possessive

by on Mar.05, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
Hello Miranda and Arron,

My husband and I are new to swinging. We have been married for 20+
years. I introduced the concept swinging when we were first dating.
After we got married, my husband wanted to swing and I did not. So, we
did not.

He has brought up the idea from time to time, but he never pressured
me. After 20 years, I told him that I would be happy to try a MFM or
MFMMM… as these scenarios are my primary fantasies.

So, we started swinging. It has been 3 months and I love it. I love
the attention from multiple males. It makes me feel beautiful and
sexy, and I love that too.

Last week I said that it would be okay if he changed our profile to
include women. It seemed fair and reasonable. I was very happy and
relieved to make this offer. It felt genuine.

The next day, and everyday since, I have been consumed with negative
feelings. I feel deeply jealous and possessive. The thought of seeing
him with another woman makes me hate all other women.

Intellectually I can reconcile offering my husband the same experience
that he allowed me to have. When I think about it as being fair and
reasonable, I feel like I can do it, and I want to do it.

But, when it seems real, then I am consumed with feelings of fear,
hatred, and jealousy. I am feeling a little confused to say the
least… Please help.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I totally understand and sympathize with your feelings. I know sometimes I say things to Aarron thinking okay so I’m totally ready for this or that, only to run into insecurities and doubt.
You have two options in a situation like this. Either back out of the bargain and let your husband know you just aren’t ready yet but thought you were or…jump in feet first and try the situation out. Yes I know the second option is scary and to many people would seem crazy but sometimes we build things up in our heads so much they seem really big only to try something and find…hey this wasn’t bad, in fact I enjoyed it.
I was asked to go skydiving in my early twenties and I decides to go, but being SO scared I cried all the way to the place with four other girls in my car to listen to my fear. I got out of the car and thought people would DIE!!! I paid my $150.00 and watched the video and talked to the instructors and still had tears falling down my face. The instructors decided to make me go first so I could chicken out. On the way up I felt so dizzy and scared I was pretty sure I would jump but only because I fell out of the plane and passed out from fear. We jumped and to be honest with you I have never felt so free, alive and totally excited in ALL my life since.
Now I’m not saying that you watching your husband sleep with other women will make you feel as I did when I jumped out of a plane but maybe you are bringing more insecurity to the situation than needed. Just remember you never have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with and if in the end your insecurities do get the best of you well…that’s okay and your husband should be okay with that.
One more idea that just sprang to mind is maybe finding a female who’s willing to watch on the side lines for a while maybe one or two play sessions and at some point adding her to the fun. Whether it’s a MFM or just you and your husband getting naughty. Seek a female who is patient and maybe one who is also new to the lifestyle so there’s no pressure. I hope I’ve helped, and also remember to listen to yourself when it comes to your feelings. Your inner heart know what it will and won’t be up for so follow your heart as silly as that sounds. Good luck!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Humans are not always rational. You have experienced something and have analyzed your own feelings so realize that letting your husband experience similar things should be fine.
You are also a product of a society that teaches us to try and posses our partners in ways that make absolutely no sense. Books, news, gossip, movies all teach us not to be okay with letting our significant other get sexual gratification from others.
You are not alone in this type of thinking. Many people who enter the world on swinging and even more so people who are dipping their toes into polyamory experience conflicting emotions just as you described.
There is no easy fix to what you are dealing with.
It could end up being a long mental battle for you if you decide to continue on.
One option that Miranda didn’t mention is to maybe seek out couples who soft swing.
A soft swing couple would allow you to be able to build some lust up with a male while your husband gets to play a bit with a woman. In other words… you will be occupied mentally on something that will lessen your attention a bit on your husband and you will also know he is not going to be actually having intercourse.
A few experiences like that could lessen your emotional distress over him with other women before you decide to take it all the way.
I would like to caution you on trusting your emotional response once it has become more in line with your thinking.
Sometimes people begin to think it is all going well and their emotions are being put in check only to have them blow up again without much notice.
My reason for me mentioning that is because if a person is prone to such extreme negative feelings they should keep very aware of how they are feeling at all times.
You should also talk with your husband and with thoroughness explain what you think vs how you feel.
Do not make him become wary of your possible emotional responses, just make sure that he is aware and understands. Let him know that you wish to get through it and will need his support in doing so.
I am guessing that he will be understanding and willing to work through it by how you explained your situation.

 

 

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Taking the plunge, kissing rules, guys sucking cock

by on Feb.11, 2012, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:
me and my wife have been married for 16 yrs we have always been
curious about swinging,early into our marriage we gave a try to
swinging with a friend of mine at the time we were doing drugs so when
we did finally do it we had no discussions about it we just jumped
right into it we tried this a few times always the same no talk and
always it felt awkward,so with these experiences my wife was totally
turned off and did not want to do it again but now years later and
drug free we have found an old friend of mine her and her husband are
swingers that have done lots of research and have invited us to come
and join them,we find ourselves very excited about the idea at the
same time very nervous we don’t know the rules can you give us some
advice on how to go about things and maybe tell us where to look up
the rules we have questions like is kissing ok and how do you make
yourself relax how do you talk to them should we just ask,also my wife
likes to see me suck cock but I’m afraid if i ask them i will offend
them and i don’t want to ruin things before it gets started should i
just leave it alone please tell me is this common to have bi curious
in swinging situations my wife is dying to have her pussy ate and to
eat pussy her self so while that is going on what do the men do. thank
you for listening

Answer:
By Miranda-
Some couples in the swinging community refrain from kissing while others absolutely love it. Everyone makes their own rules and everyone enjoys different things. Some find kissing is too personal so they pass it up but to some a kiss is just a kiss, tongue or no tongue.
As for your inquiry into you sucking another mans cock while your wife watches, I’ll tell you that you need to find openly bisexual men for that kind of action.
Straight men generally don’t want their cock sucked by anyone who isn’t female and whether you consider yourself straight or bisexual in your own mind, it would be a lot less stressful for both couples if you find couples with bi sexual men.
You wouldn’t want to become really close to a couple only to find out later that they enjoyed peeing their playmates if you are not into such kinks. Don’t waste peoples time by getting to know them, knowing they’re straight (if they’re bisexual they’ll often say it on their profile) and then tell them you’d like to suck the husbands cock and expect a positive response.
Swinging is often fast paced and if couples don’t mesh…game over move on.
People have personal lives, careers, children and other obligations so if you aren’t upfront with them in them from the get-go it can really piss a couple off.
I advice adding onto your profile if you’re meeting couples through a site exactly what you’re looking for in play partners otherwise it’s like bait and switch.
Let couples know what you want and they’ll in turn be up front and honest with you.
Be a deceiver and the only thing you and your wife will attract are flies.
The swinging world is small in communities, even in cities word gets around, have one bad experience and you could be shunned forever.
Now onto your wife wanting to taste another girl, that’s easy. A lot of girls are bi curious or okay with another girl licking them even if they themselves aren’t into it. Once again though communication is key with couples. Get to know each other before you just jump in bed thinking okay bring it on. Bi curious to one couple’s female might be just some light touching and kissing while another couple might consider it, satisfying each others kitties with fingers, tongues or a strap-on.
Each situation is different just like every couple is different. If the girls do decide to have a little one on one time a lot of the times the men will just caress the females while they play and some will jack off to keep themselves hard just in case the girls part ways and it’s time to get busy.
The official “How to” for swinging really doesn’t exist. it’s all about finding fits for you and your wife. Sometimes you get really interested in a couple, decide to play and there is NO chemistry and all you think is, damn what a waste of a Saturday night and a babysitter.
I always think of swinging like that TV show called ‘the dating game’ after you decide you want a play-date with a couple, you ask the most important questions, do you kiss, are you into full swap or soft, is there anything you don’t like being done to you or your spouse, and do you get tested for std’s??? Basically all those questions you would love to have seen on the show! Then you let the other couple ask their questions, allow each other to voice any concern, then pick your door, bedroom, bathroom or kitchen…game on!!!!!
Just go into the swinger community with openness to your spouse and openness towards other couples and you’re off to a good start. I hope I have help guide you a bit and given good suggestions and have fun, be safe and have a ball!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Since your original foray into playing with others left a bit to be desired because of lack of communication I will guess you wont let that happen again.
It is very important to talk everything out plus some when you first get into swinging.
The no kissing thing is a semi common idea/rule for new and just experimenting couples. It is close to unheard of with more experienced couples.
I personally have no interest in sex with a woman whom I can’t kiss, so it isn’t something I have dealt with much. I also tend to go for women who are very confident in their sexuality and with their relationships, and women of that type don’t keep no kissing rules around very long even if they originally started with such a rule.
My advice on dealing with kissing rules is simply to ask a persons rules and play styles before you get to the sex.
Bisexual play between women is almost expected in swinging. Even women who have no true interest in girl on girl play often do it just because it is so expected. In the swingers lifestyle it is assumed unless otherwise stated that a woman has some curiousness if she is not fully bisexual.
Men often push for such behavior in women too because it gives them a sex show.
Most women who swing and don’t want girl on girl action learn very fast to let it be known from the start. “Hi, my name is Susan and I am straight.”
The opposite situation exists for men. As open as most swingers consider themselves to be because hey have sex with other people besides their spouse… swingers are often very homophobic. Some are blunt about it while most claim not to be and make statements like “to each their own,” but at the same time avoid bisexual men and make sure everyone around knows that they themselves are not into it.
It takes bravery to be openly bisexual as a male in swinging unless you happen to live in a very liberal city. Even then you can be ostracized in many circles/cliques.
One of the sad outcomes of that situation is that men will not admit they are interested in such play on their swingers profiles even when they are for fear of not getting play dates.
They must feel each-other out in person by making comments and starting discussions that lead to it. Often that duty is left up to he wife with her being able to say things like “I would like to see Richard suck a cock someday,” which opens up communication between the females while not causing problems or pressure for the men. Often it is a bit of a lie because Richard may have just sucked a cock the night before, but saying “I love to watch Richard suck cock,” is an open admission that may stop a date from going any farther and make for an awkward situation.
My personal advice would be to state such things on your profile and be honest about what you wish.
Men who don’t say such things on their own profiles for fear of the things mentioned above will be more apt to contact you. The ones who definitely are against men who play with other men will avoid you. The straight men without homophobia will not care and still be fine with contacting you, but will often state they are only interested in male to female sex.
There is no hard and fast rule book to swinging and there never will be. You may find some basics… (I listed a few resources in this post a few weeks ago)
No book or website can cover it all because people are so different.
We can generalize, but that is about it.
I once thought of writing a book myself on the subject, but when I started to outline it I realized that to fully cover any single aspect of how things work in swinging would take hundreds of pages.
Who would want a ten volume set of books each a thousand plus pages long on the swinging lifestyle?
The same goes for websites. We have been answering questions her on The Swingers Attic for a couple years now and I doubt the questions will ever quit coming. The subject is endless.

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