The Swingers Attic

Tag: open relationships

Swinger couples, open relationships, and lesbians

by on Nov.09, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

Hi, a couple weeks ago National coming out day happened to fall on our casual dress day at work so I took advantage of it and wore an I’m out and proud shirt to work. That was my way of letting people know I was a lesbian. A couple people asked about it and that was that.
Within the week though two coworkers privately told me that they are bisexual. One of them is married and also a swingers and have an open relationship. I have always thought she was fun and attractive so I have an interest, but I am not sure how to proceed because she is married. I’ve met her husband before, and he is a nice guy, but I’m not interested in men at all. Do swingers separately date much? Would I be asking for trouble by pursuing a possible relationship with this girl? I understand that swingers are not monogamous so am fine with that. I am just worried that I could become attached and then be pressured by her husband or that I could embarrass myself by going for something that is against swingers rules.

Answer:
By Miranda-
First and foremost a gigantic BRAVO girly for coming out on the national coming out day.  That takes a lot of courage and I’m SO proud of you even though we’ve never met.
As for your coworker lady wanting to possibly hook up I Suggest getting together with her and her husband and talking about the situation.  Is this a girl you want to pursue a serious relationship with or someone who you’d like as a play partner.  You’re not a swinger so you may not be able to stay unattached, so think all angles through before you proceed.
There are plenty of couples in the lifestyle that play separately or have other partners that they’re in relationships with.  The one thing I adore about the lifestyle is that not one relationship is the same in its play scenarios, likes and dislikes, or rules and regulations.  The trick is to have open communication from day one.  What are they into?  What are you looking for?  Will you be alone in a bedroom with this female playing  or are you comfortable having the husband watch?  Is she looking long term or short?
Please make it clear you’re NOT interested in playing with the husband because lines can sometimes get crossed.  Make ALL of your intentions clear, make it clear you need them to clarify as well and then weigh the pros and cons and go from there.
I personally wouldn’t play or start a sexual relationship with a co worker but I work in ALL female environment so it’s like having too many hens in the hen house.  I always look out of my workplace for female companionship.  I wish you luck in your pursuit and hope all works out for the best.  Thank you for opening up your life to us and congratulations on your recent decision to not let a difference in sexuality dictate how you live your life…. simply beautiful!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Swingers all have one thing in common. They in some manner open their sex lives to include others. Besides that they are as different as any other group.
Many swingers have a rule of “We only play together or not at all.”
Others are more open and do whatever they wish without even consulting each other. Most fall in the middle of those two extremes.
So because the girl you are interested in has said she is a swinger and in an open relationship could mean a ton of different things the only advice I can give is to have a sit down with first her, and then both of them to find out exactly what an open relationship is in their minds, and what type of swinging they do. When I say have a sit down I am not talking a 21 questions grill them on facts session, I am talking about just getting together and asking some questions as part of a friendly chat. Though swingers are usually pretty secretive, once they have told you of their status they are usually very willing to share all the details of their relationship and play styles.
As my wife mentioned dating within the workplace… so shall I.
That is a topic completely separate from your question, but please keep it in mind that even tough you are now out as a lesbian your coworker is not out as a swinger and the repercussions of being outed as a swinger are sometimes great.
It is politically and socially taboo to bash, be cruel, practice discrimination, etc… against gays, bisexuals, and transgendered people. Those who would wish to do so must bite their tongues, and if they are willing to face some heat or even legal actions they will still tone it down a bit.
Swingers have no such protection. Swingers are in general frowned on by the media and offered no sympathy in our current political climate. Please keep that in mind as you consider pursuing any sort of relationship with your coworker beyond that of just friendly.

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She wants an open marriage

by on Apr.08, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

I have been trying to talk my wife into swinging for years with no success. For Christmas this year I bought her some books that a lot of swinger sites recommend. The Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn to be specific. We always talk about threesomes in bed and she likes it so I thought these books would make her more open minded about swinging as a real thing. Last month she said she was still not interested in swinging but would be interested in exploring an open relationship. I am not fond of the open relationship idea.  We have been fighting about it ever since and I don’t know what to do. She says that swinging is to impersonal for her and if I want more then that is the only way she is willing to go. I don’t want things that personal. I just want the sex. She says that I would have the opportunity that way for sex and she would not have the opportunity for personal connections in swinging. I think she is wrong and that swingers can connect if that’s what she needs. No matter what I say she wants it her way or no way. What can I do to get her away from the open marriage mindset and into the idea of the lifestyle?

Answer:
By Miranda-
To be 100% honest with you it sounds like you and your wife aren’t ready for the lifestyle OR an open relationship.  The lifestyle involves a communication that if you can’t seem to have a little bit of now you aren’t going to have it later and as for the open relationship I guarantee complete disaster if you go into it against your will. 
It sounds to me that you and your wife are having a major power struggle which takes NO place in an alternative lifestyle whether it be swinging or an open relationship. 
I rarely ever tell my readers to back off and drop subjects but in this case I promise if either one of you press either subject only resentment will follow on both sides. 
I always would like to believe that every relationship is able to handle an alternative lifestyle and granted not knowing your relationship I truly can’t say you aren’t up for the sometimes difficult and long bumpy road swinging can entail.  I do know that with you protesting an open relationship and your wife protesting swinging I honestly believe you both can only handle what you have right now which is a marriage. 
If you falter from your opinions…resentment!  If she falters from her opinions…resentment!
  Let me ask you this, if you have to talk your wife into swinging do you really want her doing it?  And if she says it’s either an open relationship or no way, is that how you want to start an open relationship? 
So… in conclusion, drop both topics for a while and if the communication in your relationship improves maybe open up the conversation again.

Answer:
By Aarron-
One of the odd things about swinging vs open marriage type relationships is that everyone has different definitions.
For some an open relationship entails the ability to do anything they please, while for others it is a very huge list of rules with boundaries up the wazzu.
Swinging for some is the same… one couple thinks of it as completely physical recreational activity to partake in every other month while another may think of it as dating for couples and think becoming best buddies forever is a prerequisite for anything sexual ever taking place.
I have met self described poly people who go from bed to bed without a blink and “swingers” who need half a dozen dates before the panties even begin to come off.
You are right in thinking swinging can give “connections” at a deeper level.
Your wife is wrong in thinking an open marriage type situation is how to achieve such connections.
That doesn’t really matter though because it is all a matter of perspective.
Whichever rout you go the pace will be set by preconceived notions.
If you do eventually end up in the swingers world you will actually find that a lot of couples who swing classify themselves as being in an open relationship just because they have sex with others. In that one aspect they are “open.”
The self described “open relationship” couple may also freak out at the idea of a spouse going to lunch with another from the swinging lifestyle if they are not included. In that aspect they are insecure and very closed.
I agree with Miranda that you should step back from the conversation for a while.
If your fighting about it before you become involved I can’t even imagine how bad you will be fighting after a play date goes wrong.
I would also recommend you read those books you purchased for your wife at Christmas if you haven’t already. The Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn are not swinger specific books.
People in the swinging lifestyle do often recommend them as great reads, but they are not meant to sell a person on the swinging lifestyle.
Read them!
One thing I got from the description of your situation that is VERY good is that your wife did read those books.
What that tells me is that she actually has a very open mind and is basing her wishes on the information she has gleaned from reading them.
Just as I think you should read the books you got for her I think you could get her a few other books that are more specifically geared towards the swinging lifestyle.
If she is a knowledge seeker she will read them and base her opinions on a larger amount of information than she has from the two books you already got for her.
Some recommendations:
Swinging for Beginners: An Introduction to the Lifestyle (Revised Edition)
Recreational Sex : An Insider’s Guide to the Swinging Lifestyle
Swinging from A to Z: A how-to guide from a full-swap Lifestyle couple for enhancing your relationship with recreational sex
Realise that no book will sell a person on the swinging lifestyle.
For all I know you wife will become even more adamant about not swinging by increasing her knowledge base on the subject.
Swinging is simply not for everyone.

The books mentioned in the question and answers above:
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality

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