The Swingers Attic

Tag: rules

Another level before even getting started

by on Nov.26, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

My girlfriend and I have been talking about this lifestyle for some
time and just started practicing it about a year ago. We sat down and
discussed what our ground rules were going to be. The first thing that
we said was we would never play alone. Always had to be in the same
room or at least the same gathering. We started off with soft swap and
slowly worked our way up to full(Sort Of). Every time we got with a
couple something always happened that I never really got to be apart
of the swap completely. Basically I some how always got left out,
which is fine in a way because it is such a turn on just to see her
with another man. It seems that our rules change from time to time or
evolve I should say. Down we have been asked by some one we both know
and that she has been with if he could have a night or two alone with
her. When she asked me this it was like I swallowed a baseball. It
scares me. I don’t know if it is because I have yet to interact with
another woman or if it is insecurities that I have with myself? I
don’t know if I am ready to go to that level of the Lifestyle. Is this
normal to be so confused?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Oh honey, it’s so normal to be as confused and scared as you are and also totally normal to also get a little angry (not saying you are but some people get this way). I’m a firm believer that in life there are things that we don’t want to do but have to, and then there are things we don’t want to do and it’s totally okay we don’t. This situation is the latter!
If you’re not comfortable with having your partner play alone, especially for a couple nights then by George, don’t feel as if you have to give the go ahead.
Even if you feel as if your partner may get a little bent out of shape, remind her she’s so very important to you and for whatever reasons you aren’t into trying it. Let her know you have given it a lot of thought and truly don’t feel good about it.
I’d add that if she becomes defensive then you REALLY shouldn’t be trying the hall pass out.
Swinging is about open and honest communication and also bringing a couple close sexually and sometimes even spiritually. Your partner should hear your request with open ears and an open heart, and know that you wouldn’t say no unless you really felt strongly about it.
I don’t personally agree with playing separately in most cases, but I know for a lot of couples with time restraints and really busy schedules, sometimes it’s the only way. I think swinging alone can cause major holes in a relationships sexual communication and I have also watched it tear couples into divorces.
I’m not trying to scare you or make you feel insecure about your relationship, I’m just trying to let you know your concerns are valid and not crazy.
I hope you talk with your partner openly about how you’re feeling and also hear her justifications for wanting this. That doesn’t mean you have to then go for the situation. I hope I’ve given you a little reassurance in knowing you’re not alone. Thank you for opening your world to share your story as well…good luck!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Your reaction is a good one in my mind.
Unless you are more into getting off by knowing what your girlfriend is doing than actually participating or watching I would advise you to put the breaks on here.
The possible bad outcomes far outnumber any good ones that could come your way here.
I am not against separate swinging as much as my wife is, but I too have seen the crash and burn happen many a time with those that play separate. It does have it’s place, and we ourselves have our exceptions to the only together play. In general though it is best left for swingers who have been in the game long enough, and played enough to not still be trying to work out the basics of the lifestyle.
You are still just wading into the water and haven’t even got near the deep end yet.
My advise to you is to be a party pooper and say “nope” to the situation.
Play around a bit as a couple. Gain some experience. Get some lifestyle friends. Watch the ups and downs of others (learn from their mistakes) and then maybe talk about trying out situations such as separate dating/playing if it appeals to you.

A little extra note on rules:
Rules usually evolve over time in swinging. They often slowly disappear even after time.
That is good thing, but it is also good to change them slowly, and only as you gain experiences.
Whatever rules you may or may not have created when you originally decided to explore the swinging lifestyle had good reasons to be created. One or both of you felt each and every rule important because of fears, insecurities, experiences, or forethought. Unless EXPERIENCE is gained then those rules should not be changed. Without experiences the reasons for them still exist.

 

 

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Swinger couples, open relationships, and lesbians

by on Nov.09, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

Hi, a couple weeks ago National coming out day happened to fall on our casual dress day at work so I took advantage of it and wore an I’m out and proud shirt to work. That was my way of letting people know I was a lesbian. A couple people asked about it and that was that.
Within the week though two coworkers privately told me that they are bisexual. One of them is married and also a swingers and have an open relationship. I have always thought she was fun and attractive so I have an interest, but I am not sure how to proceed because she is married. I’ve met her husband before, and he is a nice guy, but I’m not interested in men at all. Do swingers separately date much? Would I be asking for trouble by pursuing a possible relationship with this girl? I understand that swingers are not monogamous so am fine with that. I am just worried that I could become attached and then be pressured by her husband or that I could embarrass myself by going for something that is against swingers rules.

Answer:
By Miranda-
First and foremost a gigantic BRAVO girly for coming out on the national coming out day.  That takes a lot of courage and I’m SO proud of you even though we’ve never met.
As for your coworker lady wanting to possibly hook up I Suggest getting together with her and her husband and talking about the situation.  Is this a girl you want to pursue a serious relationship with or someone who you’d like as a play partner.  You’re not a swinger so you may not be able to stay unattached, so think all angles through before you proceed.
There are plenty of couples in the lifestyle that play separately or have other partners that they’re in relationships with.  The one thing I adore about the lifestyle is that not one relationship is the same in its play scenarios, likes and dislikes, or rules and regulations.  The trick is to have open communication from day one.  What are they into?  What are you looking for?  Will you be alone in a bedroom with this female playing  or are you comfortable having the husband watch?  Is she looking long term or short?
Please make it clear you’re NOT interested in playing with the husband because lines can sometimes get crossed.  Make ALL of your intentions clear, make it clear you need them to clarify as well and then weigh the pros and cons and go from there.
I personally wouldn’t play or start a sexual relationship with a co worker but I work in ALL female environment so it’s like having too many hens in the hen house.  I always look out of my workplace for female companionship.  I wish you luck in your pursuit and hope all works out for the best.  Thank you for opening up your life to us and congratulations on your recent decision to not let a difference in sexuality dictate how you live your life…. simply beautiful!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Swingers all have one thing in common. They in some manner open their sex lives to include others. Besides that they are as different as any other group.
Many swingers have a rule of “We only play together or not at all.”
Others are more open and do whatever they wish without even consulting each other. Most fall in the middle of those two extremes.
So because the girl you are interested in has said she is a swinger and in an open relationship could mean a ton of different things the only advice I can give is to have a sit down with first her, and then both of them to find out exactly what an open relationship is in their minds, and what type of swinging they do. When I say have a sit down I am not talking a 21 questions grill them on facts session, I am talking about just getting together and asking some questions as part of a friendly chat. Though swingers are usually pretty secretive, once they have told you of their status they are usually very willing to share all the details of their relationship and play styles.
As my wife mentioned dating within the workplace… so shall I.
That is a topic completely separate from your question, but please keep it in mind that even tough you are now out as a lesbian your coworker is not out as a swinger and the repercussions of being outed as a swinger are sometimes great.
It is politically and socially taboo to bash, be cruel, practice discrimination, etc… against gays, bisexuals, and transgendered people. Those who would wish to do so must bite their tongues, and if they are willing to face some heat or even legal actions they will still tone it down a bit.
Swingers have no such protection. Swingers are in general frowned on by the media and offered no sympathy in our current political climate. Please keep that in mind as you consider pursuing any sort of relationship with your coworker beyond that of just friendly.

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