The Swingers Attic

Tag: separate rooms

Insecurities and being the wife’s ultimate pleaser

by on Oct.13, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

My wife and I have been married for nine years and we love each other
very much we are very close. We recently decided to swing after alot
of communication.. we have had are first full swap in separate rooms
due to me have insecurities about her have sex with another man and
she is on the fence about her watching me. during the course of the
night i seen her with the other man and she seen me with the other
girl. After our play date we talked alot. She explained that she had a
good time with him and that we should try different things in the
bedroom. Which I am not opposed to. But our Sex life prior to this has
been great. My insecurities lie with if we have had a great sex life
before this and there has not been anything we have not tried. We have
tried the different things she suggested in the bedroom and somethings
worked and somethings did’nt and im not sure i can give her somethings
she suggested due to anatomy i am longer and have good width he is
shorter and has a little more width. We have tried different angles
and it just wont happen. Every Time she suggests something i cant help
to think am i not pleasing her but I know I am I cant get this thought
out of my head. We almost stopped swinging after telling her my
insecurities and I don’t want that i just want to be her ultimate
pleaser. I love her very much and she loves me and she reassures me
that no other man can please her like me but to me it seems like
someone has. I need some advice. Thanks for listening

Answer:
By Miranda-
I don’t know if you or your wife had previous partners before you married but if you have, is your wife YOUR ultimate pleaser???? Is she the only women who has pleased you completely??? I think in marriage sometimes spouses get it in their heads that THEY are the only ones who can please their spouse the way their spouse wants to be pleased.
I had other sexual partners before Aarron and he before me and we’d be totally silly to think we were the others ultimate sexual partner.
In the lifestyle don’t you want your wife to be pleased and enjoy herself? She isn’t asking you to become someone else or act a certain way, she’s asked for more spice a little more often, not just sex.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your wife asking for more variety, but I do think there’s a problem with you swinging if you read into that, that you aren’t her ultimate pleaser and you don’t want to actually SEE her play with another man. If you and your wife can’t watch each other have sex with other people and you are having thoughts of not feeling good enough, it’s MY personal opinion that you’re not ready and should take a break.
I know what you may think, “Well we’re ready and I’m just being silly,” but I think you should really take a closer look at the situation. You don’t want to watch her with another man, and now that she’s had sex with someone else and wants to be a bit more experimental you are questioning to what extent you please her…YOU my friend aren’t comfortable with swinging. I don’t want you to think you’ll never be ready, but you aren’t right now.
Swinging for ME (please note that not all feel this way) is a group activity. I want my husband there to experience that with me, not in a separate room where I can’t caress him and watch him enjoy himself. Why are you playing then?????? I come from the strong constitution of, couples who play together….stay together. As soon as you throw in separate rooms and especially right from the get go you have a recipe for disaster.
I’m sorry my advice isn’t conducive to staying in the lifestyle but I really think a break is necessary. Yes it’s a small step back, but it may be the step back you need to try again later…in the same room. I wish you luck and want to thank you for sharing.

Answer:
By Aarron-
It is great that you both had a lot of communication both before and after your first experience. That is a very important part of beginning any type of journey into the swinging lifestyle.
I am going to be blunt here and tell you that you will not be your wife’s ultimate pleaser in every single way no matter what you do if you swing a lot.
It is possible if you just dabble that she will not run into any super good experiences for a long time. Maybe years will go by even, but eventually she will have a super good time that hits the best sex ever list.
O the other side of that coin you can rest assured that these new sexual partners are also not the ultimate pleaser for her every time either if you two have a great sex life as you have said.
People are different, moods are different, connections are different, etc…
We who swing refer to those who don’t as vanilla.
Lets talk ice cream.
My favorite flavor is chocolate peanut butter from 31 scoops. I also very much enjoy Baseball Nut. (That is a Baskin & Robbins flavor for those who never have been)
You could say that ice cream wise the chocolate peanut butter is my ultimate pleaser and the baseball nut is a close second.
I still enjoy tasting samples, and I still enjoy getting different flavors from time to time.
Tonight I may even crave some chocolate chip cookie dough. Tonight I may not even be in the mood for my chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Tonight it may be that chocolate chip cookie dough is the only thing that will really sate my ice cream desires. There is even a possibility that I will go through a phase that makes chocolate chip cookie dough replace my baseball nut as a second favorite, or I may even want to mix it with my chocolate peanut butter for a while. Yum!
I still love my chocolate peanut butter just as much as before.
My wife enjoys a few things that certain male sex partners do to her/with her in swinging that just ain’t on my favorite activities list.
She even discovered a few things during swinging that we never really did so she didn’t know she liked. Mostly behavioral type things.
A few I have added to our own mix because I liked them. A few I added just seldom because she likes them, but I am not so keen.
One guy made her cum very hard by something he did. I don’t do that particular thing very often unless she asks, even though I know she will cum extra hard.
I don’t have to do that thing because she is able to get it in her swinging adventures.
Be safe in knowing that you are her favorite ice cream flavor, but sometimes a different flavor (or even a fancy sundae) will hit her spot.
It is much more important to be your wife’s overall favorite than her great moment of the week.
I will promise you this too… If you play a lot you will eventually run into a woman who has all the right stuff and all the right moves to completely blow your mind sexually.
She may even teach you a few tricks that you never thought of before. If you are a smart guy you will share those tricks with your wife so it can become part of your sexual repertoire. You have just added a new flavor.

Now a bit on same room vs separate for new swingers.
Separate play works for many, and a lot of people go that route. On the other hand I have watched many a couple come and go in the lifestyle and I will tell you from watching that separate room play is NOT the best way to start for most people.
It seems to lead to doubt, worry, anger, resentment, and mistrust with many new couples.
It is so often a recipe for disaster that unless a couple has been in the lifestyle for a good while I try to avoid them on a friendship basis if they play separate room. I do this simply to avoid the drama they will most likely end up being involved with.
I do not have this rule for established lifestylers.
For various reasons some simply prefer separate room play.
Though Miranda and I prefer same room and even same bed for our own play we do not have any rules on it, and will, have, and do play separate room with long established swinger friends. These are people we have previously played with all in one room and are comfortable with how they interact sexually. We have played and witnessed no issues with them in the sexual arena.
We have deemed them to be secure with each others actions when it comes to swinging.

If you are not comfortable watching your wife be pleased sexually then you should definitely not be playing in separate rooms. If you hadn’t already started the ball rolling I would tell you that it could lead to insecurities and constant worry to play in separate rooms first.
Before splitting into different rooms you should make yourself into a swinging team by playing together until very comfortable. If your unsure your ready for that, wait until you are.

I hope my experiences and advice on this helps.
Maybe you can go out on an ice cream date together and talk about it.
Have your all time favorite, but be sure to sample a couple new flavors.

 

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Don’t trust my wife playing separate

by on Oct.29, 2010, under Insecurities, Playing with others

Question:

My wife always wishes to play in separate rooms, but I am not comfortable with it.
I suspect she is doing things she wouldn’t do if I was in the room and that is why she wishes to be out of my site.
She claims that it is because she can get into it more without distractions and likes to be able to focus on just one person. What do you think?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Your wife is probably telling you the truth. 
Sometimes it becomes distracting watching your love one play and also some people can’t fully relax and achieve orgasm because of it. 
Listen to your wife’s wishes and don’t dismiss them without thinking them through.  
I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t play separately because my husband and I only play seperately with one couple who are kind of our designated ”boyfriend and girlfriend.”  In any other situation I wouldn’t and couldn’t play separate.  One my husband wouldn’t like it but also I couldn’t relax doing so. 
I need my husband by my side for comfort and reassurance but some couples find it more comfortable and reassuring not playing in the same room. 
Some couples enjoy separate rooms so they can then come together at home at the end of the night to relive their sexual tales. 
Maybe find a positive spin to your situation.  Remember your wife loves you and if you have a hard time accepting separate rooms then tell her. 
Balance is key, does separate rooms mean you in the kitchen and you can see you in the living room?  Sometimes a little distance is good but within ear shot and eye sight better.

Answer:
By Aarron-
If your wife claims she is distracted and prefers just one person so she can really focus on then she is most likely doing a lot of things she wouldn’t be doing if you are watching her.
Why I say that is because if a person feels distracted and as if they are being watched (and that is not a turn on for them) then they are not going to get as excited as when they get to play alone.
When a person gets excited then they get a little more into it and sometimes a bit more wild.
That is a good thing.
Swinging is about fun and excitement.
With that said I will now say what I often say…
Swinging is a team sport” and your wife plus you equal the team.
Obviously you are more comfortable with same room sex and she is more comfortable with separate room swapping.
Both of you need to try and make sure the other is comfortable and both of you need to make sure your own needs are met too.
Many hotels have suits with two or more rooms that are semi open to each other.
Also two rooms can be adjoining and doors left open.
So playing in a hotel should be an easy compromise to your situation.
Homes and house parties it would depend on the layout, but often rooms are directly across from each other and doors can be left open.
It will just come down to looking for ways to find that comfortable compromise.

Note:
My wife and I rarely play separate room except with just a few very close friends and we never play totally  separate at all except with one special couple.
It is because of comfort and desires.
We do better and have more fun together.
We have friends that play both ways with no preference and friends that like to swing 100% separate and only play same room if it is with people like us that wont do separate play.
Everyone has different views and feelings on the subject.

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