The Swingers Attic

Tag: single men

Aggressive men and going too far

by on Oct.24, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

My husband and I met two males, who live with girlfriends about 3
years ago through a website. Over the course of 1 year, one of the
males went his own way, but I continued to see one of them. I found
this man occasionally aggressive and would have to “hold him at
bay”, but he would back off when asked. My husband was more turned
on if I played alone with this man. The second last time, he was
entering me aggressively, which caused bleeding and cramping.
Fortunately, my husband attended and was able to drive me home. The
last time I met this man alone in his hotel room. He did not provide
foreplay and simply stated, I want to “F” your brains out. He
moved me quickly to the bed and started entering me immediately. I
started to talk to him to get him to stop. He also was smacking my
fanny intermittently, which “jolted me “. I was not enjoying
myself and started to have sharp abdominal cramping. I jumped from the
bed the use the washroom. I felt extremely dizzy in the washroom so I
went to the main area and sat against a wall. This man offered me
water, but started saying “Wow, I don’t want the paramedics to
come here.” He gave me my clothes and I left. Two days later he
emailed about me coming over to see him, in which I vented about why I
was upset about the whole thing and did not want to see him again. Do
you think I overreacted?

Answer:
By Miranda-
OMG girl!!!!!  The situation you described not only made me feel extremely sad for you, but also sick to my stomach and slightly dizzy myself.  First and foremost I don’t care if your husband gets turned on by this male sexing you up, if he’s causing you pain and you aren’t enjoying yourself that’s enough for you to let your husband know, “Hey I’m not into him!!!!”
If your comfort zone has been crossed and you’re experiencing vaginal bleeding, cramping and dizzy spells I think you know the answer to your question, NOOOOOOO you didn’t overreact.
Your husband should have put the stop to this play mate a LONG time ago and shame on him for not telling the guy off.  You should be a trophy for your husband and not a rag doll for men HE enjoys watching “FUCK” you.
In the lifestyle my husband and I only play together due to our mutual belief that just because my husband respects other women doesn’t necessarily mean other men do.
To go to the extreme what if this man decided to get even more rough and NOT stop when you jumped up and proceeded to rape you?  What if he went too far?  I hate to scare you, but personally you and your husband need to be on the same page and show caution with playmates.
That playmate not only disrespects you, but ALL women when he plays too rough and causes you to question yourself.  ”Did you overreact?” NO you under reacted in my opinion, and personally if your husband isn’t wiling to back you up then you need to tell this guy to take a long walk off a short pier.
Now on the subject of your husband and please remember I don’t know your marital situation or relationship at all, but if my husband didn’t have MY back when it came to swinging and I was not comfortable with a male and he wanted me to continue seeing him, I’d tell him swinging wasn’t an option for us anymore.
A big part of the lifestyle for a couple is communication, understanding and working things out as a team.
If your husband isn’t willing to do that, then honey I’m sorry he’s in it for himself and himself alone.
I wish you SO much comfort right now and hope you can allow yourself the strength to set things right with this disrespectful low life playmate (tell him to forget your number girly) and communicate your needs to your husband. You need him to respect you and be behind you ALL the way in your sexual decisions.
Thank you also for confiding in us, I really hope I gave you a little more of what my sister likes to call, WOMEN POWER!!!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I myself am not into aggressive sex, so I am coming at this from the perspective of someone on the outside.
I can only assume that you are into aggressive sex because of how long you have played with this individual, but into it or not… If you are bleeding vaginally, cramping, and having dizziness, then you know things are going a bit far for safety’s sake.
Also you state that during this last encounter you were not enjoying yourself and were asking him to stop. Did he stop immediately? If he did then I would say it was a case of being to rough and nothing else, but if he continued for even a moment after you asked him to chill then the guy in question is not a safe playmate in any manner.
As for the case of how your husband deals with all this… I’m going with the assumption still that aggressive sex is your thing.
Even if aggressive sex is your thing it is not safe for your husband to have you playing alone with single men who are into aggressive sex to the point you describe. It is dangerous and your husband should be there to make sure such play doesn’t go too far.
He should also be very aware of what your limits are in such types of play and be respectful of those limits.
The same goes for your choice in play partners. There are millions of potential playmates out there for you to potentially play with so no need to have sex with somebody you are not wishing to or even unsure of for that matter.
My advice to you is to cut off play with the guy in question and then have a huge discussion with your husband about your personal limits, respecting those boundaries, and his role in your swinging adventures.

 

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Responding to a woman’s personal ad

by on Aug.28, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi! I would like to know what would be a good example in responding to
a woman’s swinger ad who is just looking for a no strings
relationship? What should I say? How are you, are you looking for a
friend to hang out, whether it’s sexual or not. Something like that. I
don’t want to say anything rude, but yet interesting enough to get her
to respond to me.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I personally would just get the ball rolling with telling the women about yourself and your wants and desires.  I think being straight forward and letting a potential partner know where you stand first and foremost is very important.  Remember that the female isn’t looking for any “strings attached,” so make sure to specify that if you aren’t either.  Tell her a little about your back ground in the lifestyle even if it’s minimal experience.
I’m a firm believer that a strong sexual relationship can exist as just that, and nothing more, if honesty is the base from which it’s made.  If you have concerns of whether she’s married or not or in another relationship of any sort make sure to ask these questions, because I hate to say it, but these people exist in the world of swinging.  Men or women who are unfaithful to their spouse with people from the swinger community and sometimes these lifestylers don’t know about the spouse.  Don’t be shy about asking questions if she’s put off by them you shouldn’t want to swing with her anyway.
Anyone who is in the lifestyle and seeking a playmate should also be upfront with you and answer your questions as well.
After you give a little bit of your background tell the women you are looking forward to hearing from her if she finds you appealing and then leave it at that.  Short sweet and to the point!
You have now been honest about your background, you asked a question or two for her to respond to, and you put the ball in her court so she can then respond and get back to you.  If she doesn’t respond, she wasn’t interested and you should move on and not recontact.  Women are fickle creatures sometimes and your, “Hey just making sure you didn’t forget me,” reminder e-mails could potentially get her to think she’s got a stalker on her hands which is no good.  Last thing you need is to show up at a meet and greet one day, run into her, and she tells all her friends about how you wouldn’t stop contacting her (even if you did just write her twice).  Now if your going to converse on the phone instead of e-mail or text just stick to the same principal I have given you.  Remember that honesty and a true interest for someone can go a long way.  I wish you the very best and hope you land yourself a lady playmate!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I am in agreement with what my wife said about keeping things “Short sweet and to the point.”
I’m also on track with her saying to be honest about your background, ask a question or two to give her a reason to respond, and then leave it at that.
There is more to it however. She being a female just assumes things, while I being a male have a different perspective.
I’d say 95% plus of single males who have written us/her over the years have had their email discarded within seconds of opening it.
Top reasons for that are these.
1) A single sentence email like “Hey, you are hot.” or something like “Wan’t to chat sometime?”
Sorry guys, that ain’t gonna get you anyplace.
2) Crude emails. Opening a conversation with your detailed descriptions of sexual acts you wish to perform is not in good taste.
3) Being to cocky in your email. If you need to tell a woman how awesome you think you are, you are probably not anything close to awesome. That act may work on a naive 21 year old girl  who is new to the bar scene, but it won’t work on a lifestyler. They know better.
4) Sending the cock shots. WTF are you thinking? If a woman wants to see your cock she will ask. If your sending a picture along with an email make sure your face is included.
5) If the woman is married (most are on a swinging site) do not ignore the existence of her husband. There is a good chance he is actually the one who will see your email first anyway. Ignore his existence and they will ignore your email.

So, basically what you want to do is NOT do any of the above.
Be polite, flirtatious, to the point, and leave at least one open ended question for the woman to answer so she doesn’t have to think up something to write about if she is interested.

A word on profiles.
First thing is… Read her profile well before writing her. Read it well and pay attention.
Second thing is to make sure your own profile is well written and appealing.
If she is interested in your email she will check your profile before writing you.
Think of it as an attachment to your email. Same rules apply.
Hope we have been of help.

Of possible of interest to you would be a post from just a few days ago from a poly woman asking about finding males. It may give a different perspective on the whole thing. – Finding a single male who is in the lifestyle.
Better yet is this post from Nov 10th concerning a couple seeking advice on finding single males. Looking at things from the reverse angle teaches us a lot. -
Finding single men for swinging.
Since I am suggesting old posts, I think this post on The proper order of pictures for your profile would be good. I used a female in the photo examples, but the rules apply for all.

ask swinging questions about the lifestyle and get answers from a swinging couple
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