The Swingers Attic

Tag: socializing

A break from swinging and drifting apart

by on Aug.11, 2012, under Spice

Question:
Hi Miranda and Aarron.
I am addicted to your site and always love your answers to the questions you get.
Now it is my turn to ask a question.
A little over a year ago my hubby and I took a break from swinging because of a family crisis and some financial issues. We had been long time swingers and most of our social life revolved around the lifestyle. In the last few months it feels like we have drifted apart and lost a huge part of what was us. We don’t feel our relationship is healthy enough to swing because we are not having much sex and have seen couples like that get jealous. We don’t want to be one of those. We know that if we went back to the lifestyle it could maybe light our fire. We have fears of problems though. My hubby said maybe soft swinging or just girls, but I was never much into soft play because it is like not getting my fries with my happy meal. I am also not into just girls. He mentioned just going to events to be. social too, but that would be like ordering my happy meal just to find out I left my purse at home.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so your situation sounds SO similar to what Aarron and I have been through. A loss in the family and major financial stress threw us into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety with each other. I’m glad to know there are others like us out there who are going through the same things sometimes.
I agree with your husband, I think you should start back into the social scene and in doing so you and your husband will start feeling sexy again. Then maybe go home to talk about sexy couples and then hop in the sack to get intimate with each other’s fantasies again.
I know it feels like wasting time to do that but it could be a really good thing for awhile until you get back on track.
NO one says not to take down couples profile names or numbers, just don’t play for a bit but still get out so you aren’t trudging through the daily grind of stress. It’s so easy to become compliant when SERIOUS stress hits. No longer feeling into the flame and just wanting to get through the day and into bed…for sleep only.
I recently came across some excellent advice which has given MY relationship it’s fire back a bit. If you want to feel the flame you once had…act the way you did when you first met. I know it seems fake and totally hard to do but once you start making the effort to make a fire together it actually works. It does feel uncomfortable a first and totally silly but I have enjoyed doing it. I can see the man in my husband he was before our life struggle and it makes me feel hot for him because there is a sparkle in is eyes again for me. I think you should try it, I mean after all what do you have to lose?
Try the newlywed thing and then start going to lifestyle events for just the social aspect for awhile. If you don’t get yourself out of the house especially for sexy fun, you will be like pond scum, very unattractive and going no where. I hope I’ve helped and will be sending positive naughty vibes your way. Thanks for sharing your life with us.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Yes, very similar to our own situation in many ways.
We have had some bad twists of fate in the last couple of years that have left us staggering.
It seems as if when it rains it pours. One thing after another and we have not had the time or ability for keeping ourselves together. We also have not had the time or urge to play with others sexually over the last year very much.
I’d guess that swingers (and similar types) at one point made up a good 90% of our friends when it came to socializing. Now I would say it is maybe 20% and sex is rarely involved.
Only recently have we started to try and break out of our routine to pursue such things again.
We are lucky in that we had made many friends in the lifestyle who stayed friends even without the sex.
The reason I think that lucky is that we are able to jump right in again with friends we already know rather than go hunting at clubs or via online to meet new people. It is just simply easier.
As a matter of fact we have a fun weekend planned for next weekend with just such a couple.
Miranda and I don’t have that perfect teem feeling we had before our sting of bad events. I wouldn’t be as comfortable as I once was playing as we used to. We don’t know each others ques as perfectly as we did even just a year ago.
It is time to re-learn them.
We learn through practice. Dinner dates with other new couples, parties that we go to with the idea of not playing, (unless we meet the most amazing couple ever that we just can’t help it) getting together with old friends, and being a bit more active on sites like Lifestyle Lounge than we have been for the last year.
We are just taking it slow. Socializing has always been a big pat of the lifestyle for me so it is cool to be getting back to it.
In short… I think it is a good idea for you to get back to it, and that it would probably light your fire like you think it would.
I also agree with your husband that you should keep it chill. If your not into soft swinging per se, then maybe some group play at a club and keep the intercourse between you two only for the first couple times. That could be like a happy meal with half the fries?

I don’t know how you two originally started, but however it was it worked.
Try and get yourselves back to whatever mental place you both were in when you originally started before you jump back in again full bore.

As for your worries of jealousy… Since you know what swinging is about you are the only one to know if you will have those issues or not when you start back up.

NOTE: (by Aarron)
I actually felt like we were airing a bit of our own dirty laundry with our answers on this one.
Unlike those who ask… we who answer are not anonymous.
Still, I think it is important to all who read our blog to know where we are coming from in some cases even if it isn’t a bed of roses.
Like all couples we have our ups and downs. Many times it is due to situations out of our control.
That is life however and we do what all couples who love each other should do. We persevere, try, forgive, and go on.
Eventually the storm passes and we dance in the sun. That is love.

 

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Dealing with being rejected in the lifestyle

by on Jun.28, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

My wife and I have been swinging a very short time. We have mostly had fun and it has made us both very happy people in and out of the bedroom.
The problem is that we sometimes face rejection and my wife takes it very personal. She gets bent out of shape for days and even weeks. We know rejection is part of the lifestyle. My wife doesn’t know how to deal with it well though.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so coming from a women’s point of view, YES it does suck to be rejected, but it is totally part of the game.
Earlier this year Aarron and I attended an on premise social party with around a hundred couples where not a single couple was interested and at the end of the night I was devastated a completely crushed.
It really had never happened to us before and although the couples at the event really weren’t our type of creatures, man it still hurt.
Make sure to let your wife know it’s a dating game for sure, but full throttle.
If couples aren’t interested then…they aren’t and they move on. I’m sure you two haven’t wanted to play with EVERY couple you’ve met, so think of it as for every time you are rejected there will be a time you will reject a couple.
I do totally understand because I think us women take things more emotionally and personally,so yes being rejected is a little disheartening.
As for advice on coping with rejection…there really is none I can give that you probably haven’t heard before. Whether you’re passed up for a job or looked over at a lifestyle event rejection is a part of life. When Aarron and I feel rejected I just think okay so no time wasted, let’s move on, saves a lot of time and disappointment.
I hope I’ve cushioned your fall but and I think in time your wife will grow accumstomed to the occasional let down, it truly does come with time. Thanks for writing in and when life gets you down, put some dirt on it and get back out there!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not everyone is going to click and rejection will happen. It is a bit less subtle in the lifestyle than in the regular/mundane club settings because everyone is so much more upfront about what they wish.
Lifestyle clubs and events are fast paced.
When we first started in swinging I rejected a few couples (lots actually) that in hindsight I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes I even hope I run into certain couples just to see if I can right my mistakes. I also used to always reject single girls immediately as I didn’t wish to waste time.
We wanted couples. Why chat it up with a single gal?
I went through a phase of blowing off soft swingers because my wife preferred full swap even though I actually enjoyed such situations. She hadn’t vetoed the soft swingers, I was just trying to not waste time.
We are all in such a hurry when we are at a club or social event for swinging.
We scan the room, pick our targets and go after them. Hopefully our targets are receptive and didn’t pick anybody themselves yet. Hopefully they are not there to only hang out with existing friends. Hopefully they are not the type to flirt and then ditch later for what they think is a better catch. Hopefully once we chat a bit we don’t decide they are not our type and have to reject them after we made the first move.
So many variables. So many ways to get shot down.
You can’t take it to personal because there is no way you are going to be everyone’s favorite flavor of the night.
The same goes with online sites like SwingLifeStyle and Lifestyle Lounge. You will write people and get a negative response or even no response pretty dang often if your the aggressor.
We don’t make first contact on such sights anymore because we primarily meet new people through others. Because we don’t write first we don’t have to deal that anymore, but we do still keep profiles in hopes of meeting some great new friends so people write us.
We don’t invite every couple that writes us over for a game of naked twister. Sometimes it is just a bad profile. Sometimes it is bad pictures. Maybe it is a single answer to a question that makes us say no. Maybe I think they look fabulous, but Miranda doesn’t like something. To shy? To arrogant? To many rules?
We know people pass us by for all those same reasons. As much as I would like to be the ideal male in every females eyes… I know I am not. Nobody is.
We are all going to reject and be rejected.
So… no big advice here today. Just me pointing out the obvious.

I do have a goofy idea though…
Point out couples next time your at a club and ask your wife if she is into them.
Show her profiles and ask her if she is into them.
Count out how many she rejects.
It may help put it into perspective that it isn’t really that big of a deal.

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