The Swingers Attic

Tag: socializing

Tit for tat, attraction, looks, and compromise

by on Feb.26, 2012, under Couples Dating, Newbie Help

My husband and I have been transforming into swingers the last couple
of years.

It started out when I was turned on by other men’s attraction to me
that I took home to my husband. My husband suggested that we invite a
guy over and not 10 minutes later we met a man that told my husband
that he was a swinger and offered his attention. I enjoyed his
company, but I was not ready. My husband was a it pushy, but the
gentleman put a stop to that.

Later my husband bought lap dances from a male stripper. At first I
was so uptight that the dancer said that he couldn’t do it and would
come back after I had a few drinks. The dancer was pretty aggressive,
but sexy as hell and I ended up shocking myself. I have never been so
turned on.

Soon we were seeking to replicate a bit of that excitement. My husband
invited a couple of men to see my breasts while we were out of town
(separate occasions), and one thing led to another…. I think we were
both happy with the arrangement until…

One day, a couple came knocking at our door. Soon, our bodies were
entwined. The female laid down the rules. No kissing. No intercourse.
She was 23 and very slim. We just did a soft swap.

We started going to a swingers club afterwards. My husband has decided
that he wants to participate fully. We found another young couple
where the female is also very slim and in her twenties. It was their
first time, and her husband became upset seeing her with my husband,
so that didn’t go over all that well.

My husband and I are in our late forties to early fifties. We are both
overweight – I have put on the weight in a curvy way (5’6″ size 10-12
34DD) He has put on 70 lbs – mostly in his middle) I must say, he was
too skinny when we met.)

He is very picky. He will generally pick out a couple right away – the
hottest woman in the room and plant himself in her vicinity. Often we
end up in a heavily trafficked isle. This makes me crazy. I like
moving around the room and meeting different people or finding a
comfortable spot that is out of the direct flow of traffic. I enjoy
talking to people even if I know I am not interested in sleeping with

I can be attracted to someone because of their wit and intellect,
their great body, or their personality in some combination. When I can
feel their attraction too, it is fun and hot. This drives my husband
crazy. He wants me to “work” on the couple that he has chosen.

This makes me feel like a stalker. Even if I am totally attracted to
someone, if they seem less than completely enamoured, I walk away. If
they want me, they had better Know it and make their intentions known
or come after me. Lol. It is hard to do this And be a stalker.

I get attention from a lot of people when we go out – including very
hot men. My hubby now wants things to be tit for tat. I want to fuck
hot men. Am I just going to be frustrated from now on except if a
miracle happens? Do you have any suggestions? How does not believe in
solo play.

By Miranda-
It sounds like your husband is driving your swinger car. He’s telling you, “Okay honey put on your seat-belt because I know where we’re going and I know how to get there.”  He doesn’t sound very compassionate to your needs or desires and just assumes that when you get to a club or social setting with swingers you’re just along for the ride and ready to get down to business.
I always tell couples who struggle with taking on the dominate role in the relationship they should step back and assess the situation.
Basically you sit down and listen to him tell you how he wants to do things and have him LISTEN to the way YOU want to do things and then come to a compromise on how you two are going to function as a unit in the swinger lifestyle. It is like a reset, and you are going back to basics and setting rules for each other all over again (I really hope you two did that to begin with).
When you had your first encounter you said your husband was pushy, and from what you said I am assuming he’s that way with life in general. In the lifestyle it takes communications and compromises to make the other happy and sometimes it takes the more domineering spouse a lot longer to catch on to this.
I love that you’re so easy going and willing to accomidate your husband’s desires but in every relationship there’s two people, and each must listen to the others concerns and meet in the middle.
In some situations it’s okay to say “hey honey I’m not into doing that,” but I personally only say something when it’s something I’m uncomfortable with or just plain not into…such as food play…NO thank you (love you honey).
Maybe you two can stalk people one night and the next time mingle and relax a bit. That my dear is tit for tat!
As for your husband wanting the same attention you get…SORRY but not gonna happen. In the lifestyle women rule and anyone willing to argue that with me I would love to hear from. We women are almost like the topping on a wedding cake, everyone sees it and everyone admires it in some way.
Women are and have been since the beginning of time the most desired and chased, hence great artist painting, sculpting and sketching our beautiful bodies of all shapes and sizes much more than that of men. Wars have been started over women, how many women in history started wars over men…not many! I appreciate your husband’s need for equal attention, but if he holds his breath waiting he may just pass out. Thank you for writing in, I hope I helped even in the least bit and I wish you luck in communicating YOUR needs to your husband and then finding a middle ground. Thanks again!

By Aarron-
First I would like to say that solo play in your case would probably be a huge mistake because you will get all the action and your husband very little if any at all.
The fact is that unless your husband is sporting a six pack and has a face that makes women swoon he is only able to swing on a regular basis because of you.
As my wife said… women rule in swinging. They rule in most cases when it comes to sexual games, though I can half way disagree with her statement about art. There is a ton of great art out there depicting men. It should be noted though that those depictions usually portray athletic men and are the creations of or commissioned by gay or bisexual men rather than women.
In other words what I am saying is that you hold all the cards. He holds none.
I’m not suggesting of course that you force him to play, socialize, or seek partners only in the way you wish, but truth be told he would have few other options than to play along or not play at all if that was the case.
There are a lot of different ways to compromise and make sure both of you are getting what you need.
Miranda suggested on such compromise that would work for some people.
Another would be to just let your husband take charge of the seeking out playmates in his way while you just mingle in your own fashion without worry. If your husband is successful on his own in befriending the “hottest woman in the room” he can bring her over and introduce you. If you hit it off great. If you don’t hit it off he can go make his attempts on the girl he considers the second most attractive person in the room.
Mingling is fun to me also and I enjoy meeting and talking with all sorts at clubs. We do of course scout the main areas of a club looking for potentials when we arrive, but we also take our time and just socialize. We both talk and agree before we play with anyone and it is both of our choice when we play.
Miranda does not boss me, nor do I boss her in play styles. We suggest, we ask, and we veto if not into it.
For swinging to work long term it must be good for everyone involved. You will not last long in it if you are regularly both feeling like the other is “driving you crazy” with their demands.
You can not expect your husband to wish play with people just because you do and he can not expect you to work on a couple when you are not feeling it.
It will become more stressful than the fun is worth eventually. It would be much better to skip play on such occasions that you don’t find a couple your both in solid agreement on in my opinion.
At least that is how we do it.



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They keep converting our vanilla friends.

by on Sep.27, 2011, under Unsorted

Last year we moved from Portland Oregon (which has a decent lifestyle scene) to a very small town in Utah.
The pickings here are scarce so the two other lifestyle couples that we did end up befriending became our only possible play partners unless we traveled. One of those couples keeps trying to convert our vanilla friends. They are successful at it and have expanded our play circle so there is some good in it, but we are afraid that somehow they are going to out us in the community as swingers. My husband would lose his job if outed. Twice now the new lifestyle converts have been people who are my husband’s coworkers. We are getting nervous. How do we get this couple to step back from our vanilla friends? They have become part of our overall social circle so simply not inviting them on nights out cant solve it.

By Miranda-
EEEEEEP!!!!  What a difficult situation for you two.  My best advice to you isn’t to NOT invite them but sit them down and directly say, “listen you two have had a great track record for converting our vanilla friends but have you really thought of the consequences you two are potentially going to cause us in the long run once a vanilla couple doesn’t want to enter the lifestyle?”  Make it clear that you two truly enjoy their company and love including them but feel like they’re putting your reputation in danger and may even cause your husband his job if they’re not careful.  I know it’s always difficult to talk about the elephant in the room but it’s eventually going to have to be a subject of discussion.  I think it’s really important to reinforce to this couple HOW concerned you are and let them know that you two don’t mind if they convert vanillas just not YOUR friends or husband’s co workers. Yikes!!!!
I wish I had more to give you for advice but it’s a truly fragile situation because while you two like this couple they could cost you a lifestyle of your own.  Tread lightly and try not to rock the boat.  Sometimes when you confront people they become defensive or angry even if they’re in the wrong.  The last thing you want to do is have a talk with this couple and then have them going around to EVERY coworker or friend you two have to convert them just to spite you.  I don’t know this couple but I’m giving the worst case scenario.  Just be honest and upfront without being judgemental or rude.  Show honest concern for your family and be as honest as possible with them so they understand your situation.  I’m sending my positive energy ALL the way to Utah.
Remember communication is key! Thanks for sharing your situation with us.

By Aarron-
I must say that you have certainly gotten yourselves in a pickle.
If it was me in such a situation I would start weighing the importance of the lifestyle against the importance of my job.
How that weighs in with you I have no idea because I don’t know your profession. If I had a job that was not easily replaced and my family depended on me to survive I would be taking a break from the whole swinging thing for a while. Your situation just sounds that risky to me.
My own profession not only allows me the freedom to be out as a swinger if I wished it, but it also allows me to find a new job semi quickly if for some reason I had to do so.
If that is your case too then I would say pretty much the same thing as Miranda said.
It is time for a sit down talk with the couple.
Make sure they know how much you appreciate the way they have expanded your play circle and helped create a small lifestyle scene where non existed before. Let them know that you think you have benefited from it. Once they know that you have gratitude for their actions to that point it will set a better tone for you asking them to back off from certain people. Explain your personal worries and let them know how you really feel about it. If they are decent people they will more likely than not start leaving your vanilla friends and coworkers alone.
If that doesn’t work then it is back to considering the value of your job and community standing in comparison with your personal lifestyle choices.
I wish you luck in your odd situation.

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