The Swingers Attic

Tag: solo play

Tit for tat, attraction, looks, and compromise

by on Feb.26, 2012, under Couples Dating, Newbie Help

Question:
My husband and I have been transforming into swingers the last couple
of years.

It started out when I was turned on by other men’s attraction to me
that I took home to my husband. My husband suggested that we invite a
guy over and not 10 minutes later we met a man that told my husband
that he was a swinger and offered his attention. I enjoyed his
company, but I was not ready. My husband was a it pushy, but the
gentleman put a stop to that.

Later my husband bought lap dances from a male stripper. At first I
was so uptight that the dancer said that he couldn’t do it and would
come back after I had a few drinks. The dancer was pretty aggressive,
but sexy as hell and I ended up shocking myself. I have never been so
turned on.

Soon we were seeking to replicate a bit of that excitement. My husband
invited a couple of men to see my breasts while we were out of town
(separate occasions), and one thing led to another…. I think we were
both happy with the arrangement until…

One day, a couple came knocking at our door. Soon, our bodies were
entwined. The female laid down the rules. No kissing. No intercourse.
She was 23 and very slim. We just did a soft swap.

We started going to a swingers club afterwards. My husband has decided
that he wants to participate fully. We found another young couple
where the female is also very slim and in her twenties. It was their
first time, and her husband became upset seeing her with my husband,
so that didn’t go over all that well.

My husband and I are in our late forties to early fifties. We are both
overweight – I have put on the weight in a curvy way (5’6″ size 10-12
34DD) He has put on 70 lbs – mostly in his middle) I must say, he was
too skinny when we met.)

He is very picky. He will generally pick out a couple right away – the
hottest woman in the room and plant himself in her vicinity. Often we
end up in a heavily trafficked isle. This makes me crazy. I like
moving around the room and meeting different people or finding a
comfortable spot that is out of the direct flow of traffic. I enjoy
talking to people even if I know I am not interested in sleeping with
them.

I can be attracted to someone because of their wit and intellect,
their great body, or their personality in some combination. When I can
feel their attraction too, it is fun and hot. This drives my husband
crazy. He wants me to “work” on the couple that he has chosen.

This makes me feel like a stalker. Even if I am totally attracted to
someone, if they seem less than completely enamoured, I walk away. If
they want me, they had better Know it and make their intentions known
or come after me. Lol. It is hard to do this And be a stalker.

I get attention from a lot of people when we go out – including very
hot men. My hubby now wants things to be tit for tat. I want to fuck
hot men. Am I just going to be frustrated from now on except if a
miracle happens? Do you have any suggestions? How does not believe in
solo play.

Answer:
By Miranda-
It sounds like your husband is driving your swinger car. He’s telling you, “Okay honey put on your seat-belt because I know where we’re going and I know how to get there.”  He doesn’t sound very compassionate to your needs or desires and just assumes that when you get to a club or social setting with swingers you’re just along for the ride and ready to get down to business.
I always tell couples who struggle with taking on the dominate role in the relationship they should step back and assess the situation.
Basically you sit down and listen to him tell you how he wants to do things and have him LISTEN to the way YOU want to do things and then come to a compromise on how you two are going to function as a unit in the swinger lifestyle. It is like a reset, and you are going back to basics and setting rules for each other all over again (I really hope you two did that to begin with).
When you had your first encounter you said your husband was pushy, and from what you said I am assuming he’s that way with life in general. In the lifestyle it takes communications and compromises to make the other happy and sometimes it takes the more domineering spouse a lot longer to catch on to this.
I love that you’re so easy going and willing to accomidate your husband’s desires but in every relationship there’s two people, and each must listen to the others concerns and meet in the middle.
In some situations it’s okay to say “hey honey I’m not into doing that,” but I personally only say something when it’s something I’m uncomfortable with or just plain not into…such as food play…NO thank you (love you honey).
Maybe you two can stalk people one night and the next time mingle and relax a bit. That my dear is tit for tat!
As for your husband wanting the same attention you get…SORRY but not gonna happen. In the lifestyle women rule and anyone willing to argue that with me I would love to hear from. We women are almost like the topping on a wedding cake, everyone sees it and everyone admires it in some way.
Women are and have been since the beginning of time the most desired and chased, hence great artist painting, sculpting and sketching our beautiful bodies of all shapes and sizes much more than that of men. Wars have been started over women, how many women in history started wars over men…not many! I appreciate your husband’s need for equal attention, but if he holds his breath waiting he may just pass out. Thank you for writing in, I hope I helped even in the least bit and I wish you luck in communicating YOUR needs to your husband and then finding a middle ground. Thanks again!

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that solo play in your case would probably be a huge mistake because you will get all the action and your husband very little if any at all.
The fact is that unless your husband is sporting a six pack and has a face that makes women swoon he is only able to swing on a regular basis because of you.
As my wife said… women rule in swinging. They rule in most cases when it comes to sexual games, though I can half way disagree with her statement about art. There is a ton of great art out there depicting men. It should be noted though that those depictions usually portray athletic men and are the creations of or commissioned by gay or bisexual men rather than women.
In other words what I am saying is that you hold all the cards. He holds none.
I’m not suggesting of course that you force him to play, socialize, or seek partners only in the way you wish, but truth be told he would have few other options than to play along or not play at all if that was the case.
There are a lot of different ways to compromise and make sure both of you are getting what you need.
Miranda suggested on such compromise that would work for some people.
Another would be to just let your husband take charge of the seeking out playmates in his way while you just mingle in your own fashion without worry. If your husband is successful on his own in befriending the “hottest woman in the room” he can bring her over and introduce you. If you hit it off great. If you don’t hit it off he can go make his attempts on the girl he considers the second most attractive person in the room.
Mingling is fun to me also and I enjoy meeting and talking with all sorts at clubs. We do of course scout the main areas of a club looking for potentials when we arrive, but we also take our time and just socialize. We both talk and agree before we play with anyone and it is both of our choice when we play.
Miranda does not boss me, nor do I boss her in play styles. We suggest, we ask, and we veto if not into it.
For swinging to work long term it must be good for everyone involved. You will not last long in it if you are regularly both feeling like the other is “driving you crazy” with their demands.
You can not expect your husband to wish play with people just because you do and he can not expect you to work on a couple when you are not feeling it.
It will become more stressful than the fun is worth eventually. It would be much better to skip play on such occasions that you don’t find a couple your both in solid agreement on in my opinion.
At least that is how we do it.

 

 

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Aggressive men and going too far

by on Oct.24, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

My husband and I met two males, who live with girlfriends about 3
years ago through a website. Over the course of 1 year, one of the
males went his own way, but I continued to see one of them. I found
this man occasionally aggressive and would have to “hold him at
bay”, but he would back off when asked. My husband was more turned
on if I played alone with this man. The second last time, he was
entering me aggressively, which caused bleeding and cramping.
Fortunately, my husband attended and was able to drive me home. The
last time I met this man alone in his hotel room. He did not provide
foreplay and simply stated, I want to “F” your brains out. He
moved me quickly to the bed and started entering me immediately. I
started to talk to him to get him to stop. He also was smacking my
fanny intermittently, which “jolted me “. I was not enjoying
myself and started to have sharp abdominal cramping. I jumped from the
bed the use the washroom. I felt extremely dizzy in the washroom so I
went to the main area and sat against a wall. This man offered me
water, but started saying “Wow, I don’t want the paramedics to
come here.” He gave me my clothes and I left. Two days later he
emailed about me coming over to see him, in which I vented about why I
was upset about the whole thing and did not want to see him again. Do
you think I overreacted?

Answer:
By Miranda-
OMG girl!!!!!  The situation you described not only made me feel extremely sad for you, but also sick to my stomach and slightly dizzy myself.  First and foremost I don’t care if your husband gets turned on by this male sexing you up, if he’s causing you pain and you aren’t enjoying yourself that’s enough for you to let your husband know, “Hey I’m not into him!!!!”
If your comfort zone has been crossed and you’re experiencing vaginal bleeding, cramping and dizzy spells I think you know the answer to your question, NOOOOOOO you didn’t overreact.
Your husband should have put the stop to this play mate a LONG time ago and shame on him for not telling the guy off.  You should be a trophy for your husband and not a rag doll for men HE enjoys watching “FUCK” you.
In the lifestyle my husband and I only play together due to our mutual belief that just because my husband respects other women doesn’t necessarily mean other men do.
To go to the extreme what if this man decided to get even more rough and NOT stop when you jumped up and proceeded to rape you?  What if he went too far?  I hate to scare you, but personally you and your husband need to be on the same page and show caution with playmates.
That playmate not only disrespects you, but ALL women when he plays too rough and causes you to question yourself.  ”Did you overreact?” NO you under reacted in my opinion, and personally if your husband isn’t wiling to back you up then you need to tell this guy to take a long walk off a short pier.
Now on the subject of your husband and please remember I don’t know your marital situation or relationship at all, but if my husband didn’t have MY back when it came to swinging and I was not comfortable with a male and he wanted me to continue seeing him, I’d tell him swinging wasn’t an option for us anymore.
A big part of the lifestyle for a couple is communication, understanding and working things out as a team.
If your husband isn’t willing to do that, then honey I’m sorry he’s in it for himself and himself alone.
I wish you SO much comfort right now and hope you can allow yourself the strength to set things right with this disrespectful low life playmate (tell him to forget your number girly) and communicate your needs to your husband. You need him to respect you and be behind you ALL the way in your sexual decisions.
Thank you also for confiding in us, I really hope I gave you a little more of what my sister likes to call, WOMEN POWER!!!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I myself am not into aggressive sex, so I am coming at this from the perspective of someone on the outside.
I can only assume that you are into aggressive sex because of how long you have played with this individual, but into it or not… If you are bleeding vaginally, cramping, and having dizziness, then you know things are going a bit far for safety’s sake.
Also you state that during this last encounter you were not enjoying yourself and were asking him to stop. Did he stop immediately? If he did then I would say it was a case of being to rough and nothing else, but if he continued for even a moment after you asked him to chill then the guy in question is not a safe playmate in any manner.
As for the case of how your husband deals with all this… I’m going with the assumption still that aggressive sex is your thing.
Even if aggressive sex is your thing it is not safe for your husband to have you playing alone with single men who are into aggressive sex to the point you describe. It is dangerous and your husband should be there to make sure such play doesn’t go too far.
He should also be very aware of what your limits are in such types of play and be respectful of those limits.
The same goes for your choice in play partners. There are millions of potential playmates out there for you to potentially play with so no need to have sex with somebody you are not wishing to or even unsure of for that matter.
My advice to you is to cut off play with the guy in question and then have a huge discussion with your husband about your personal limits, respecting those boundaries, and his role in your swinging adventures.

 

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