The Swingers Attic

Tag: solo play

Do I have a right to be concerned?

by on Jul.19, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Background Info: I am a bisexual male (which I revealed to my wife
before we began dating). Overall she’s been supportive in those
instances where I may need to “go out.” Most times this “outting” is
preempted by her and arrangements have been made without my
knowledge…a “gift/reward” of such. Even with this “arrangement”, our
sex life is pretty on target though she is sexually more advanced in
some areas. We have even enjoyed encounters with single men
before…but it was always mutual

Here’s the situation: She has a male co-worker who is married. In a
brief passing conversation, he stated, “I swing.” Which prompts
dialogue between he and my wife the next day (she wanted to know what
he meant, whether he was speaking figuratively or not). When she
informed of this, I gave her my support (I’m guessing she didn’t tell
him about my ‘other’ side). He asked her, when were the three of us
going to get together? I didn’t feel he was sincere and informed my
wife that I thought the offer of the “three” of us was a ploy to get
to her.

Since that moment, they have been engaging in sexual conversations and
he has invited her to stay with him for a week (he says his wife was
okay with it…I haven’t met her).

She appears to be a little more “connected” with him than I feel is
appropriate and have voiced these concerns with her. So being new to
all of this, I told her that the three of us should sit down and talk
before things go further, to which she recently informed me that he
“respectively declined.”

My questions are: Do I have a right to be concerned? Is it okay for me
to feel as though he is disrespecting me as her husband? What role
should she play during this “negotiation” phase?
Are there any “rules” for married swing solo?

Though, I am trying to be supportive and had no intentions of joining
in, I feel as though I am being overlooked.
I am at my wits end. Any advice you can provide would be greatly
appreciated.
Thanks.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think first and foremost if you feel uncomfortable with the situation your wife should 100% respect that regardless of what “gifts” she has given you in the past. Like you said, these arrangements were made by your wife, and in-turn the arrangement between you and her co worker should be just the same.
I say this only because your wife has already set the tone for the “arrangements” situation.
I would also say that because your wife’s co worker “respectfully declined,” I would guess this male isn’t to be trusted and has a hidden agenda and in my personal opinion. I would also like to connect you with the fact that having your wife become sexually involved with a co worker is probably a HORRIBLE idea. This isn’t a situation where we have two single people, we have two people who are married to other people, and it just takes one person to over hear them talking to cause a problem. Also, let’s say that your wife and this man have a falling out… what is to stop either one of them from talking to a boss, and causing problems. Potentially even termination for the other…Yikes!!!
I understand your wife is excited and I think it’s great you two are open in your relationship for separate play, but I think your feelings on the matter are being overlooked. You and your wife need to sit down and have the talk of, “Honey I’m 100% not okay with you playing with this guy who won’t even come and talk with me, to make me comfortable in the situation.” I think your wife hasn’t thought about the consequences this may take on your marriage.
I can tell you’re at your wits end, and I can also tell you’ve probably been beating a dead horse to your wife, but communication is key. If she’s not willing to listen wholeheartedly to your concerns then I believe you probably shouldn’t be playing with others until that changes. A true intimate connection must be established so that each person in the relationship feels comfortable about coming to the other with their concerns. Please make it a point to once again let your wife know your concerns and point out that this male probably isn’t an honest scout and shouldn’t even be an option as a playmate do to his lack of disregard for your concerns. I wish you the very best in solving this situation and encourage you to truly follow your heart in this matter. I hope I’m of some help.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Yes you have a right to be concerned.
You should certainly feel as though he is disrespecting you as her husband because when “respectively declined” he pretty much showed that he was either considering you a chump or that his being in the lifestyle is a bunch of crap he told your wife.
Any married man who is in the lifestyle would think nothing of sitting down to dinner with you and your wife if he was planning on taking your wife off for a week.
Honestly I can’t imagine any married male in swinging to even think of taking a married woman off without her husband for a week unless it had been discussed between all three.
Just from that I would think him a sneaky liar with ulterior motives. I’d also bet he is lying to your wife about many things, and most likely his wife too.
There is of course the small chance I am wrong on that, but since he “respectively declined” you can’t know for sure.
My advice here is either to nip this whole situation in the bud or ask your wife to set up a dinner date with all 4 of you.
Yes… his wife too. If they are swingers (as he claims) then his wife should have no problem agreeing to a dinner date considering the scenario.
As for your last question about if there any “rules” for married and swinging solo… Most couples who play sperate do have rules, but they differ from couple to couple.
Very common ones are that each partner has veto powers over the others choice in playmates, must check in, must meet the prospective playmates first, can’t play with another single more than X times, nobody from vanilla life, safe sex only.
Please note that I said these are some common ones, not that they are THE rules. Some people have a ton of rules while others have none. Most people who are long term lifestyle players just use common sense and keep their partners wishes/feelings in mind rather than actually have hard set rules.

Best of luck either getting it sorted or putting a stop to it before it becomes a huge mess.

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His erection problems make me want a hall pass

by on Mar.11, 2011, under Insecurities, Unsorted

 

Question:
My husband sometimes has erection difficulties when swinging  and I often end up having to stop what I am doing to help him get his erection going. I really don’t mind doing this for him and I love us playing together, but sometimes I would just like to enjoy myself sexually without worrying about him and keeping a watchful eye in case my help is needed. We have never played separate and until recently I never wanted separate play. The idea of just being able to have great sex without being distracted sounds really good lately. Suggestions on how to ask a husband for a hall pass?
Suggestions on reasons I could give for wanting a hall pass besides telling him it’s to get a break from watching over him?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Although I don’t necassarily promote separate play and normally would warn against it, I think you and your husband may just want to try separate rooms at first. 
My husband and I  once played with a couple who the man had erection problems while watching his wife be fucked.  Seperate rooms would maybe take a little pressure off of you and your husband can concentrate on the other female. 
 Now I’m not saying your husband is having problems due to that specifically (could be a million little things) and I understand you’d like advice on getting a hall pass so here it is. 
Suggest that it might be fun for both of you to go out on the same night separately and then you take the husband home and the wife of the other couple takes your husband home. 
Then I suggest coming home that night and telling each other what you did with the other couple.  This way you two can replay the experiences  to each other and come together as a couple by communicating about the night. 
 I think couples in the lifestyle sometimes forget to communicate after a play date so this could be a great recap for you both. 
Consider  though that  making this suggestion could be a dangerous situation because you’re at one house and he’s at another, and if he has erection difficulties again…you can’t just run over.  Your husband counts on your for back up and moral support so if he’s not getting aroused with the other woman, he could have a terrible evening and that alone could cause MAJOR issues for you both.  
I can totally understand you wanting great sex without distractions, but if you’re into staying problem free in the lifestyle I truly suggest ticking this small speed bump out with your husband. 
Sometimes these things go away on their own and just take a little time.  
Another suggestion on how to get a hall pass…just ask!  Say, “Honey I would like a hall pass.”  When he asks why say, “I would like the experience and I’m willing to give you one as well.”  Honesty is the best policy in the lifestyle and so if after you ask and if a argument ensues it might be a good indication that a hall pass isn’t an option at the moment.  
This is to not say one day your husband might want one for himself. 
 Final suggestion, become an active crafter and get out construction paper, scissors, glitter, and markers and make a hall pass to give to your husband as a game.  
You two can give it back and forth freely as a reward for good behavior.  For example, say you had a really tough week and your husband has stood by you every step of the way…give him the hall pass, and vise-versa.  I’m very thankful for you great question and hope I have given you some  helpful ideas.  Thank you and good luck!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Since you mention really enjoying your play time together and that you don’t mind helping him out when he has erection issues I would say you are doing pretty well in the swinging arena overall.
The one thing that isn’t good is that he is regularly having erection issues in the first place.
If you are able to “help him out” every time it shows that his equipment is working fine and it’s just something going on in his head.
Whatever it is that is causing the erection issues needs to be figured out and corrected. It could be simple anxiety from a new partner. It could be much more complicated. Whatever it is takes away from the fun you are both having.
Get talking and figure out the root causes and work on them.
Your real question was about asking for a hall pass without telling your husband why and hurting his feelings.
That is an example of how things stack up.
If you addressed the first problem you wouldn’t have the second one of not wishing to explain why you want a hall pass.
Anyways… I really liked Miranda’s suggestions.
Going on separate dates with a couple you are already friendly with would certainly get you your alone time without having to worry about actually asking for a hall pass or explaining why. If it was suggested in the right way it would certainly do the trick.
Making an actual pass to hand back and forth would also turn it into a fun rather than awkward situation when it comes to bringing up the topic. Just be sure to give it to him first and in an enthusiastic playful manner. If presented correctly he will take it as a gift and in the end you get your hall pass.
My own manner of asking for a hall pass would be the simple “I want a hall pass” type statement/question personally.
I’m just simple that way I guess.
In my book simple is always best when it comes to asking for things.
However you decide to go about it I wish you good luck and hope that eventually you get to the root of the erection issues so that if ever you want a hall pass in the future it isn’t because you don’t want to watch over your husband.

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