The Swingers Attic

Tag: solo

Would exploring help me enjoy my wife more?

by on Jan.30, 2012, under Unsorted

Question:

My wife is very conservative in her sexuality, and unfortunately, it
gets a it boring for me. Lately I’ve taken to masturbating also when
we make love. Needless to say, I’ve been fantasizing quite alot and
masturbating alone more. So my question is, would exploring group sex
with others (perhaps with male and female couple) help me enjoy my
wife more? She’s definitely not into it, so I would be doing it on my
own. If you think this could help, how do I procede to find partners?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so you should probably let your very conservative wife know that you’re bored with her and wish to pursue sex elsewhere.
If you plan on doing this behind your wife’s back…shame on you because somehow I truly don’t see your wife who in the first sentence of your question you call VERY conservative being okay with you sleeping with other people.
Now with that being said, if by chance you have spoken to your wife about such things then YES sometimes it helps couples kindle an old flame by having both or just one person of a couple take up the lifestyle. They sometimes take the situations home with them so in the bedroom they can verbally retell their sexual adventures which in turn arouses the other.
Now if you’re just looking to come home and have sex with your wife while thinking of the other sexual adventure and not share it with her or have her even know you are swinging, then NO it’s probably a really poor idea.
I don’t mean to be sound so judgmental and if your wife knows you’re thinking about taking up the lifestyle then fantastic, but you said you have been masturbating alone more and when you said you would be “doing it on my own,” it kind of sends up a red flag that your wife doesn’t know.
But if she does know I do apologize for any accusations.
Now in finding partners, all you need to do is find a swinger site such as Adult Friend Finder, join the site and create a profile. The rest is easy, just wait for inquiries and hope that as a single male you get chosen for play dates. Single men get a bad rap in the lifestyle because some men are dishonest about their profiles and also there are TONS of you out there, so the market tends to be over saturated. If you can make a good honest name for yourself in the swinger community you truly have it set because most single men are referred by other couples to other couples. So it would almost like building a clientele. I wish you the best on your journeys and hope you and your wife are able to get the passions of love flowing again openly and honestly. Hope you have a wonderful Valentines Day.

Answer:
By Aarron-
From the wording of your question I too think it sounds like cheating rather than swinging.
They are two different things entirely.
I will however skip the lecture and go with the assumption that you have spoken to your wife and she has given you her blessings because she is conservative in bed, but open minded in other ways.
Yes it will spice things up in most cases. It can completely reinvigorate some people even.
As Miranda said… making some profiles will do the trick, but only if you do it well. The swingers websites are full of single men seeking no strings sex. Couples have plenty to choose from, but still it is hard for couples to find single playing men because many are rude, don’t understand the swingers mentalities, don’t play by couples rules well, flake out, or are simply not very attractive in general when it comes to appearance, dress, attitude, or manners.
To be successful playing single as a male you must have an entire package worth the couples time.
The males who do succeed at this are very sought after.
Another option is to attend meet and greets.
These are off premise (no sex) meetings held at bars, restaurants, coffee shops, etc… depending on your area where pretty much anybody can show up.
There are usually a few such regular gatherings in every major city and often a monthly such meet up in most smaller cities.
Finding them without knowing people is the hardest part.
Some are advertised in groups on sites while others are strictly word of mouth.

Here are a few previous Swingers Attic Topics that may help you in your endeavors.
Responding to a woman’s personal ad
That one is for obvious reasons.
Finding single men for swinging
A question from the other side… a couple asking about finding single men.
The proper order of the pictures for your profile
I used a female for the pictures, but let me assure you that if you don’t do the photo thing correctly as a male wishing to play alone that you WILL fail. As a male wishing the attention of couples and maybe single females you must have a well put together profile and that includes good photos. Don’t be another idiot with a cock shot and a blocked out face who wonders why the gals are not filling their inbox with requests for sex.
Solo And Traveling
My vanilla bar pickup advice at the end also kinda applies to meet and greets.
I am assuming you are out of practice in the pick up arena since you have been married long enough to be having the types of issues you have portrayed.

For a site to check out (it really depends on your area as to how busy a site is) I would most likely suggest SwingLifeStyle because of what you are seeking.
My wife mention AFF, but the single male ratio on that site is super high so I’m going with SwingLifeStyle.

Lastly, your wife may not be as conservative as you think.
I’ve unwrapped the package of many a conservative woman over the years to find that I had unleashed a beast.
Humans are animals. We all crave unless something is wrong or broken in us.
Your wife most likely has desires and fantasies too, even if she isn’t willing to discuss them or maybe even admit it. They may not be of a group sex sort, but they exist.

I hate recommending this book simply because of the title, but I have read it and it is pretty on spot with a lot of things.
It is short, cheesy, filled with a lot of obvious things, but it also has the key ingredients to bring a woman over if you have the patience and desire.
Getting Your Wife Or Girlfriend To Become A Swinger
This next one I haven’t read, but I know someone who has and they said it was worth the read.
Also the second review listed on amazon is by a well known swingers lifestyle blogger and she liked it, so that is something.
How To Turn Your Wife Into a Swinger

Good Luck!

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Do I have a right to be concerned?

by on Jul.19, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Background Info: I am a bisexual male (which I revealed to my wife
before we began dating). Overall she’s been supportive in those
instances where I may need to “go out.” Most times this “outting” is
preempted by her and arrangements have been made without my
knowledge…a “gift/reward” of such. Even with this “arrangement”, our
sex life is pretty on target though she is sexually more advanced in
some areas. We have even enjoyed encounters with single men
before…but it was always mutual

Here’s the situation: She has a male co-worker who is married. In a
brief passing conversation, he stated, “I swing.” Which prompts
dialogue between he and my wife the next day (she wanted to know what
he meant, whether he was speaking figuratively or not). When she
informed of this, I gave her my support (I’m guessing she didn’t tell
him about my ‘other’ side). He asked her, when were the three of us
going to get together? I didn’t feel he was sincere and informed my
wife that I thought the offer of the “three” of us was a ploy to get
to her.

Since that moment, they have been engaging in sexual conversations and
he has invited her to stay with him for a week (he says his wife was
okay with it…I haven’t met her).

She appears to be a little more “connected” with him than I feel is
appropriate and have voiced these concerns with her. So being new to
all of this, I told her that the three of us should sit down and talk
before things go further, to which she recently informed me that he
“respectively declined.”

My questions are: Do I have a right to be concerned? Is it okay for me
to feel as though he is disrespecting me as her husband? What role
should she play during this “negotiation” phase?
Are there any “rules” for married swing solo?

Though, I am trying to be supportive and had no intentions of joining
in, I feel as though I am being overlooked.
I am at my wits end. Any advice you can provide would be greatly
appreciated.
Thanks.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think first and foremost if you feel uncomfortable with the situation your wife should 100% respect that regardless of what “gifts” she has given you in the past. Like you said, these arrangements were made by your wife, and in-turn the arrangement between you and her co worker should be just the same.
I say this only because your wife has already set the tone for the “arrangements” situation.
I would also say that because your wife’s co worker “respectfully declined,” I would guess this male isn’t to be trusted and has a hidden agenda and in my personal opinion. I would also like to connect you with the fact that having your wife become sexually involved with a co worker is probably a HORRIBLE idea. This isn’t a situation where we have two single people, we have two people who are married to other people, and it just takes one person to over hear them talking to cause a problem. Also, let’s say that your wife and this man have a falling out… what is to stop either one of them from talking to a boss, and causing problems. Potentially even termination for the other…Yikes!!!
I understand your wife is excited and I think it’s great you two are open in your relationship for separate play, but I think your feelings on the matter are being overlooked. You and your wife need to sit down and have the talk of, “Honey I’m 100% not okay with you playing with this guy who won’t even come and talk with me, to make me comfortable in the situation.” I think your wife hasn’t thought about the consequences this may take on your marriage.
I can tell you’re at your wits end, and I can also tell you’ve probably been beating a dead horse to your wife, but communication is key. If she’s not willing to listen wholeheartedly to your concerns then I believe you probably shouldn’t be playing with others until that changes. A true intimate connection must be established so that each person in the relationship feels comfortable about coming to the other with their concerns. Please make it a point to once again let your wife know your concerns and point out that this male probably isn’t an honest scout and shouldn’t even be an option as a playmate do to his lack of disregard for your concerns. I wish you the very best in solving this situation and encourage you to truly follow your heart in this matter. I hope I’m of some help.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Yes you have a right to be concerned.
You should certainly feel as though he is disrespecting you as her husband because when “respectively declined” he pretty much showed that he was either considering you a chump or that his being in the lifestyle is a bunch of crap he told your wife.
Any married man who is in the lifestyle would think nothing of sitting down to dinner with you and your wife if he was planning on taking your wife off for a week.
Honestly I can’t imagine any married male in swinging to even think of taking a married woman off without her husband for a week unless it had been discussed between all three.
Just from that I would think him a sneaky liar with ulterior motives. I’d also bet he is lying to your wife about many things, and most likely his wife too.
There is of course the small chance I am wrong on that, but since he “respectively declined” you can’t know for sure.
My advice here is either to nip this whole situation in the bud or ask your wife to set up a dinner date with all 4 of you.
Yes… his wife too. If they are swingers (as he claims) then his wife should have no problem agreeing to a dinner date considering the scenario.
As for your last question about if there any “rules” for married and swinging solo… Most couples who play sperate do have rules, but they differ from couple to couple.
Very common ones are that each partner has veto powers over the others choice in playmates, must check in, must meet the prospective playmates first, can’t play with another single more than X times, nobody from vanilla life, safe sex only.
Please note that I said these are some common ones, not that they are THE rules. Some people have a ton of rules while others have none. Most people who are long term lifestyle players just use common sense and keep their partners wishes/feelings in mind rather than actually have hard set rules.

Best of luck either getting it sorted or putting a stop to it before it becomes a huge mess.

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