The Swingers Attic

Tag: starting out

Wanting to be fair but am jealous and possessive

by on Mar.05, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
Hello Miranda and Arron,

My husband and I are new to swinging. We have been married for 20+
years. I introduced the concept swinging when we were first dating.
After we got married, my husband wanted to swing and I did not. So, we
did not.

He has brought up the idea from time to time, but he never pressured
me. After 20 years, I told him that I would be happy to try a MFM or
MFMMM… as these scenarios are my primary fantasies.

So, we started swinging. It has been 3 months and I love it. I love
the attention from multiple males. It makes me feel beautiful and
sexy, and I love that too.

Last week I said that it would be okay if he changed our profile to
include women. It seemed fair and reasonable. I was very happy and
relieved to make this offer. It felt genuine.

The next day, and everyday since, I have been consumed with negative
feelings. I feel deeply jealous and possessive. The thought of seeing
him with another woman makes me hate all other women.

Intellectually I can reconcile offering my husband the same experience
that he allowed me to have. When I think about it as being fair and
reasonable, I feel like I can do it, and I want to do it.

But, when it seems real, then I am consumed with feelings of fear,
hatred, and jealousy. I am feeling a little confused to say the
least… Please help.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I totally understand and sympathize with your feelings. I know sometimes I say things to Aarron thinking okay so I’m totally ready for this or that, only to run into insecurities and doubt.
You have two options in a situation like this. Either back out of the bargain and let your husband know you just aren’t ready yet but thought you were or…jump in feet first and try the situation out. Yes I know the second option is scary and to many people would seem crazy but sometimes we build things up in our heads so much they seem really big only to try something and find…hey this wasn’t bad, in fact I enjoyed it.
I was asked to go skydiving in my early twenties and I decides to go, but being SO scared I cried all the way to the place with four other girls in my car to listen to my fear. I got out of the car and thought people would DIE!!! I paid my $150.00 and watched the video and talked to the instructors and still had tears falling down my face. The instructors decided to make me go first so I could chicken out. On the way up I felt so dizzy and scared I was pretty sure I would jump but only because I fell out of the plane and passed out from fear. We jumped and to be honest with you I have never felt so free, alive and totally excited in ALL my life since.
Now I’m not saying that you watching your husband sleep with other women will make you feel as I did when I jumped out of a plane but maybe you are bringing more insecurity to the situation than needed. Just remember you never have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with and if in the end your insecurities do get the best of you well…that’s okay and your husband should be okay with that.
One more idea that just sprang to mind is maybe finding a female who’s willing to watch on the side lines for a while maybe one or two play sessions and at some point adding her to the fun. Whether it’s a MFM or just you and your husband getting naughty. Seek a female who is patient and maybe one who is also new to the lifestyle so there’s no pressure. I hope I’ve helped, and also remember to listen to yourself when it comes to your feelings. Your inner heart know what it will and won’t be up for so follow your heart as silly as that sounds. Good luck!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Humans are not always rational. You have experienced something and have analyzed your own feelings so realize that letting your husband experience similar things should be fine.
You are also a product of a society that teaches us to try and posses our partners in ways that make absolutely no sense. Books, news, gossip, movies all teach us not to be okay with letting our significant other get sexual gratification from others.
You are not alone in this type of thinking. Many people who enter the world on swinging and even more so people who are dipping their toes into polyamory experience conflicting emotions just as you described.
There is no easy fix to what you are dealing with.
It could end up being a long mental battle for you if you decide to continue on.
One option that Miranda didn’t mention is to maybe seek out couples who soft swing.
A soft swing couple would allow you to be able to build some lust up with a male while your husband gets to play a bit with a woman. In other words… you will be occupied mentally on something that will lessen your attention a bit on your husband and you will also know he is not going to be actually having intercourse.
A few experiences like that could lessen your emotional distress over him with other women before you decide to take it all the way.
I would like to caution you on trusting your emotional response once it has become more in line with your thinking.
Sometimes people begin to think it is all going well and their emotions are being put in check only to have them blow up again without much notice.
My reason for me mentioning that is because if a person is prone to such extreme negative feelings they should keep very aware of how they are feeling at all times.
You should also talk with your husband and with thoroughness explain what you think vs how you feel.
Do not make him become wary of your possible emotional responses, just make sure that he is aware and understands. Let him know that you wish to get through it and will need his support in doing so.
I am guessing that he will be understanding and willing to work through it by how you explained your situation.

 

 

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He wants to see her with another guy, she says no

by on Oct.02, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

My partner has been involved in swinging for past 6 years with his EX
and always talks about how bad he wants me to try and I will love it, but
am not too crazy about it and am not ready for this at all. What he really
wants is to see me with another guy but I just cant and don’t know how to
tell him am not ready for this please help.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think it’s great you’re seeking help for telling your partner that you aren’t ready and don’t want to swing through a swingers advice site.
My advice to you is simply this, tell him you’re not ready and if after you tell him he still isn’t understanding of your concerns or feelings then maybe you need to re evaluate your relationship with him.
I always find it interesting when women choose to start in the lifestyle because their partners want them to, so I say bravo to you for sticking to your guns and saying, “Hey this isn’t for me right now and possibly ever.”
It’s okay you aren’t into the lifestyle. It truly isn’t for everyone.
I also think that unless you have a good base established in your relationship, it’s not the best idea to start swinging. We’ve known couples who have been married for 15 years plus before swinging only to end in divorce.
The lifestyle is relationship changing, and whether you become closer or farther apart it definitely takes open communication and tremendous trust to make it work. I don’t know how long you’ve been with your partner or where you see yourself with this person two years from now, but I will tell you that a simple NO should do, and if he keeps pushing you to do something you aren’t comfortable with then he apparently doesn’t have your best interest in mind and probably never will. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but partners who push the other into sexual situations that they’re not comfortable with are only in it for themselves.
I wish you the best in your relationship and also in standing up for your own personal beliefs. It’s so important in life to follow your heart, but it is just as important to follow your own sexual comfort levels. Don’t let anyone take the reins to your OWN sexual experiences because it’ll only end in disaster. If you aren’t into it now or EVER it’s okay, truly don’t let someone decide for you. Thank you for coming to us for advice and I hope everything works out for you.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Your situation is not uncommon. I have met many people who began swinging from exactly the same position you are in. Sometimes the pressure of the male pushes the female into it and she finds it was the best thing ever. More often though it goes poorly from the start or resentment builds because of such situations.
Whatever the possible future may be if you do decide to play along with your partners wishes isn’t really the point here though.
You own your body and your mind. It is up to you and nobody else what you decide to do sexually.
You need to have a good talk with him about your feelings. Let him know that if ever you want to try swinging or are even willing to seriously discuss doing so you will tell him. Let him know that until that point you don’t wish to discuss it as a real situation. He should respect this and if he doesn’t then as my wife said… you need to reevaluate your relationship.
The other side of this coin is that for whatever reasons they may be your partner has a strong desire to see you with another person.
Fantasies are normal and healthy. You I am sure have had fantasies involving people and or scenarios that are not things you truly plan on doing. Remember that when talking to you partner and respect that his fantasies are normal. Also remember that his particular desires involving you are very common.
If you are of the sort that enjoys bedroom talk during sex then you may even suggest that sometimes it would be fun to talk about such scenarios during sex. This would possibly help your partner in feeling fulfilled and increase sexual excitement at times. Just tell him you would like to keep the talk to fantasy land unless you say otherwise.

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