The Swingers Attic

Tag: suggestions

Suggesting the lifestyle to a girlfriend

by on Jun.29, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted


I have a bit of a catch 22 here. I would like to get into the life
style, but that is hard when I a single male, and when I suggest going
to a party to my girl friend I soon find myself single again.

That has happened twice now.
Any thing to help this?

By Miranda-
I suggest you get into the lifestyle as a single male.  I think because you’re totally committed to the idea of becoming a participant in the lifestyle it may be best if you start off on your own and work yourself up to maybe finding a single women already playing in the lifestyle.
I think it’s important for you to do this because attempting to draw women into a relationship that you eventually turn around and suggest, “Hey baby let’s play with other people,” apparently is a bit scary for these little fawns.  Some women are able to have that openness in a new relationship but most won’t.
For example, Aarron and I have been together eight years and married four and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I was ready to take the very intimate road to swinging.
It’s a larger commitment than you think to begin this venture and so these women aren’t even telling you they think you’re insane, they’re saying they aren’t ready and you have no right to ask them so soon.
I can’t speak for these women of course so I really don’t know how they feel, but I’ll tell you that if you’re getting into these relationships with hopes you’ll get them into the swinging sack you need to re evaluate your need for a serious girlfriend.
I just answered another single male question on how to approach a women’s husband at a social meet and greet, please read that and maybe begin researching where in your area you can participate.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you enter your next relationship with the intent of   developing an intimate connection built on trust and love and with NO other agenda.  It sometimes takes years (we know couples who didn’t start swinging until their 15 wedding anniversaries) to develop the type of relationship that can withstand the pressure and stress the lifestyle can sometimes present.  Don’t take swinging lightly and don’t assume it’s just sex and games.  A well formed relationship must be established in which to survive and thrive in the lifestyle.  The reason these women are running for the hills isn’t because you’re sexual desires freak them out, they’re running because the trust and commitment of the relationship hasn’t been formed before you turned on the red light.  Thank you so much for your question.

By Aarron-
Not sure how long you have had these girlfriends before asking them to swing, so I am just going with the assumption of a year or less each.
First of all, building trust and a real partnership is very important before diving into swinging when it comes to most women. Security is what lets them go to that place in a world that calls the activity taboo.
You must remember that women live in a world where it is considered bad by the majority to have multiple sex partners. They are called sluts, whores, skanks, etc… all in a nasty manner for even having just 7 or 8 sexual lifetime partners. They are taught it devalues them. To be secure enough to jump into swinging most women need a partner they know will not judge them in that manner and who will stay with and support them.
With such a partner many women find the world of swinging an enlightening and empowering experience.
How women are viewed by the general masses when it comes to sexual activities is the very reason there are so few single women in swinging compared to single men.
Men are not judged in such ways.
So… How to suggest going to a swingers party for the first time…
If you have a girlfriend now and have not spoken about swinging to her, but wish to do so my suggestion is going slow.
Bring up swinging and other forms of nonmonogamy in ways that keep it outside of your own relationship.
Maybe talk about related news events, surveys, movies, etc…
This will get the ball rolling in the right direction and let you know where she stands on the subject.
If after a few weeks of this all seems cool, slowly start adding in suggestions as hypothetical type situations. Don’t rush it.
Women don’t want to feel pushed or rushed.
Eventually you can get to good fantasy play.
Once you have those bits in place (her views from discussions+fantasy talk) give it some more time before starting in with the “I would like to do that for real,” type talk. Once you start with that I suggest not doing it very much. A tiny mention twice in a month can keep it in her mind and let her build her own ideas on the subject. A mention every other day could make her think your just pushing her and that she isn’t enough for you.
If she doesn’t end up wanting to try it out in that way then it most likely isn’t a good idea anyway.
Scenario two is that you have a new girlfriend or are between girlfriends currently.
In this case my advice would be different.
You are not connected with this girl yet. No actual bonds or commitments exist.
In the same way as I mentioned above get the topic out there in the open.
Start a dialog from something related. News, TV characters, music, art, etc…
In this scenario however once that dialog has been started you should just jump in with your viewpoints.
Let it be known from the start that you think the idea of swinging is cool.
You are not a real couple yet, so there isn’t any huge pressure. It lays your cards on the table so the women knows what she will be getting into if she gets into a serious relationship with you.
Many will “run for the hills,” as Miranda said, but that is not a bad thing if becoming part of the lifestyle is a necessity for you.
It is better to just get it out there right away than spend months forming a relationship your not going to have success with or not be content with.
As for Miranda’s idea of finding a single woman who is already in the swingers lifestyle, best bet if your single at the the moment is to go that direction.
It wont be easy, but it does happen. We have met many couples who originally met as singles through lifestyle clubs and websites.
Good luck to you.

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Double Penetration Issues

by on Apr.02, 2011, under Playing with others, Unsorted

I have wanted to experience a double penetration for quite some time and in our two years of playing in the lifestyle I have only had the opportunity come around twice. On both occasions my husband had erection difficulties when we got to that point in the proceedings.
I think it was the close penises thoughts that did it. He doesn’t have any problem in other situations. Suggestions?

By Miranda-
I think its pretty common for a straight man to lose an erection while attempting DP.  So my advice to you girlie is if at first or second you don’t succeed try try again.  Now if after attempting relentlessly and not getting a soldier at attention a DP with your husband might not be an option. 
I think breaking that mental wall of, “OMG my penis is touching another mans through a thin layer of skin,” is completely possible but maybe just a little tricky.  I have faith that your husband can draw his energy inward and overcome the erectile dysfunction while trying to give you the most amazing sexual experience you’ll ever have but time and practice will be the key. 
One little idea would be to have your husband insert his erection first into whatever hole he prefers and then ask the other man to use a dildo to act as his dick until your husband is mentally loosened up, then have your play partner insert his erection into the secondary hole.  Kind of like a slight of hand but with a penis. 
I am rooting for your husband and know he CAN do this.  Also if in the end he says, “Honey this just isn’t working , we’ve been trying over and over,” then maybe it’s time to find two men that have practice in the DP department and allow your husband the privilege of filming the event so you two can watch it over and over.  Thank you so much for the great question, good luck!

By Aarron-
Double penetration is a huge fantasy for many women both in the lifestyle and in the vanilla world.
If you are bound and determined to live the fantasy out then I am sure it will happen.
First of all though I would suggest you start seeking out partners for the DP experience rather than waiting for the opportunity to just arise. Sometimes in life we need to actively pursue something we want rather than wait for opportunity to knock at our doors.
The next thing I would suggest is that you work on the mental aspect of the situation with your husband.
Most couples that swing like to share their fantasies both in and out of bed with each other and find it a turn on. If you are one of those couples then it shouldn’t be to hard to get your husband excited about helping you with a double penetration.
When talking about it focus on the huge turn on it is for you and keep his part in the double penetration as the most important aspect.
Even if your husband is one of those guys who loves to see you with others and loves you to talk about such things it is important to make him your focus in this fantasy talk.
If the fantasy becomes more of what he is doing in the situation rather than what your play partner is doing he will eventually focus more on his own behavior and how it affects you rather than having another mans cock in such close proximity to his own.
In short – it will make him less concerned about the play partners penis and more concerned with your own pleasure and how he is bringing it to you.
Good luck with your quest for double penetration fantasy fulfillment.

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