The Swingers Attic

Tag: swapping

Did we jump in a little too quick?

by on Sep.08, 2011, under Newbie Help

Question:

We are totally new to this and had our first full swap this weekend. We met this couple previously for drinks and arranged to meet again this weekend. My wife was turned on by his eyes and laid back attitude and I was turned on by her sexiness. We didn’t plan on a full swap, but it happened. There were highlights and not so great moments during our night with this couple. They are sweet, patient, and sexy. We went home afterward wondering if we would ever do it again. Maybe this is all the “drama” that people mention they want to avoid, but we are really unsure about going forward. We would imagine this kind of reaction is not unique to us. We would appreciate your perspective for just starting out. Maybe we jumped in a little too quick.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I personally find that sometimes what is good for the goose isn’t good for the gander.
In some swinging situations when a couple full swaps for the first time, one person is generally totally into doing it again while the other is hesitant.
Other times  both members of the couple love it and can’t wait to jump in again and again head first, then there are couples like yourselves.  Both of you had a good time, but also had an overwhelming sexual swinging experience.
When it comes to playing with another couple for the first time EVER you can really intensify the emotions and feelings you’re having more so than in a common, “straight encounter,” and you also have to take into acount you have a partner to watch and think about.
It can definitely be sensor over load and can make a couple say, “Hey is this really for us???”
The answer is different for all, and for many couples it’s, “not for them,” while others, even though they may have overstepped their comfort boundaries for the first time decide to try it again and again until they get it right.
I always suggest taking a step back instead of forward when in doubt.
Don’t full swap again if you aren’t fully comfortable with it. It is that plain and simple.
Try a soft swap, and if the couple you just played with isn’t into a soft swap don’t take it personally, just move on.
Always be honest with each other and remember that communication is key.
Never go home without discussing the evening no matter how experienced you are in the lifestyle. What could have been your best night in swinging ever could be the worst for your wife, and you wouldn’t eve know it.
I think it’s great you two DID go home saying, “Hey do you think we should do that again?”  Maybe the answer is yes or maybe it’s no, but at least you two took the plunge together and came out together.  What a beautiful accomplishment, thank you for your question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
It sounds like you had a great couple to start off on your swinging adventures with.
It also sounds like you did have a good time, but are having a bit of trouble wrapping your mind around the whole experience.
From all the people I have met over time in the lifestyle, and all the stories I have heard, I can safely say that you are experiencing something very normal for many couples after their first full swap.
What you have done when you swapped was broken a million little rules about love and marriage that have been ingrained in you your entire life.
You broke those rules and so did your wife.
Even if you can rationalize and say things like “I don’t agree wit those rules,” and “it is different because we agreed to do it,” you are going to get all the strange feelings of wrongness and confusion. However many years you have been on this planet is how many years of social/mental programming your dealing with.
Movies, music, jokes, social stigmas, etc… You are not supposed to have sex with other people when married. It fill your subconscious.
You have broken out of the mold more than most people do just by taking the leap and then being able to talk about it afterwards.
It doesn’t save you from confusing feelings though.
My advice is the same as Miranda said. Go slow.
Without more background I can’t say much beyond that, but from how you worded your question I can see a desire to continue, but hesitation because of the mental after affects.
I have known people who claimed to have no issues their first times out that in reality just hid them. Disaster resulted.
I have also heard from people who are now very comfortable in the lifestyle who easily admit they once had many misgivings about their first few experiences, but went ahead in order to fulfill fantasies and experience the good parts. Talking with each other is extremely important.
In the end, no one can tell you if the lifestyle is right for you except you.
Hope we have helped in some way.

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Husband is acting strange after swapping

by on Dec.28, 2010, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

Last night we went to a Christmas party at our friends house and after it wound down we decided to stay the night because we had drank to much.
It had been a very flirty evening and somehow myself and my girlfriend ended up making out on the couch. The guys seemed to like it so we kept it up and when my friends husband suggested we take it to the bedroom and give them a show we decided we would do it and told them to consider it a Christmas present.
We are not bisexual and didn’t plan on taking it very far, but ended up naked and kissing each others boobs and rubbing a lot which really turned the guys on.
My husband started fondling me and one thing lead to another and we all ended up naked and having sex next to each other.
At some point my husband suggested we could switch.
We all kinda stopped and everyone asked each other what they thought of the idea. It was decided we would.
We swapped partners and it was a huge rush.
I didn’t cum, but still it was a huge turn on for me. Both the guys came and everyone seemed to have a fun.
We all slept naked together that night, but in the morning it was awkward and nobody talked about it.
Once we got home I tried to talk with my husband about it and told him how great it was.
He said he didn’t really want to talk about it.
I kept at him and he said he wasn’t sure we should have done what we did.
We are not swingers, and neither are our friends, but my husband and I have talked about it a lot before and he has always said he wanted to try it.
He even tells me swapping sex fantasies while we have sex together sometimes.
He has even talked about our friends in his fantasies.
I really enjoyed myself.
It was maybe the most exciting thing I ever have done. I know will want to do it again, but I am afraid my husband is mad at me for some reason.
Any suggestions on how to get him to talk about it?
Any ideas what would make him not want to even talk about it now?
How should I handle this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
WOW! Merry Christmas to you! 
You and your husband went where alot of people wouldn’t dare go and you did it without a plot or plan which I  think is a good and a bad decision. 
It was good because sometimes in life things happen that can’t be planned without a lot of nerve racking hours and tons of cold feet. 
Bad because although your husband has sex swapping fantasies doesn’t necessarily mean he was ready to act them out or see you with another man.  Which in my opinion is why your husband doesn’t want to discuss the situation. 
It would be wise to talk to you friends after you get your husband to open up to see how they’re feeling as well. 
Now for your husband, I would suggest letting your husband know that you had a great time and it was a thrill for you, exctiting and adventurous but in order for you to walk away from the experience with a positive clear head you need him to talk about HIS experience. 
Beginning to end you need to hear it.  Let him know how hot and exciting it was to watch him with another woman and reassure him that although you really enjoyed sex with your friend, the sex was just sex and you want to have what we call in swinger land a ”check in,” and discuss the situation in full. 
Its also really important to reconnect as well, the sooner you can get your husband in bed for a romp in the hey the better.  Your husband probably really needs to reconnect and he needs to know he is your guy!
Since it was your husband that suggested the swap I will tell you that its a 90% chance he’s having some jealousy and insecurity issues.  He may feel left out even though he was able to swap as well or he didn’t like seeing you with another man.  If he has any questions please give him our site to check out and reassure him that what he’s feeling is SO normal. 
The lifestyle is about connecting and communication and without both you have nothing so its important to review the play-date in order to live and learn and maybe try again. 
I applaud you all truly for your ability to just jump in the water and swim with the fishes.  Most people couldn’t do that but I’ll tell you that whether you wanted to full swap or not – for future adventures IF you and your husband decide to try again SOFT SWAP FIRST.  That way you two with be able to know exactly how you’ll feel about taking it farther next time.  Slow and steady wins the race and communication is key in this situation. 
Let your husband know your concerns, fears and dreams about the play-date you just had as well.  He probably feels in the dark about your feelings as well and is concerned but wants to sweep it under the rug because of his insecurities.  You do need to sit him down and discuss it because without doing that it puts your marriage on unsure footing and you don’t want that. 
Let your husband know how you feel and encourage him to do the same.  I wish you goodness on your journey with him and I hope you’re able to have a sexy hot New Year.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Sounds like a great evening was had for you all and it just seemed a bit to strange and out of place in the morning.
Sleeping together like you all did is considered by many in swinger land to be more intimate than actually having sex.
Also the close friends thing is a bit taboo for many swingers because of intimacy issues too.
Both of those things really bumped up things a notch over the average first timers swinging experience.
It is cool you had so much fun, and it is great your husband got to live out a sexual fantasy, but sometimes fantasy is just that and not meant to become real.
Your husband may not have been ready for such things and maybe never wanted it to go like that at all.
It could have been the excitement of watching you kissing another woman that pumped up his libido so high (mixed with some alcohol) that cause him to overstep his own boundaries.
It also just may have been a bit of jealousy afterwards of knowing his wife just had sex with another man.
It could be insecurities based on thinking you had a better time than the girl he was with or that you enjoyed sex with your friend more than sex with him.
The possibilities are endless.
You must have a talk about it.
What was enjoyable and what wasn’t.
What worries exist now that you have taken the plunge, and what affect it will have on your sex life.
Don’t expect to know how your husband is feeling until after he tells you.
You may be guessing wrong.
Another aspect to consider is how the evening will affect your long term friendship with the other couple involved.
It will be altered drastically (for good or bad) no matter how things turn out.
Once you and your husband have talked it all over you need to touch base with them.

If he doesn’t open up (and isn’t the type to become angered by you seeking outside help) maybe point him to this page so he can see for himself both your question and our replies.

Also … maybe some of our other readers will chime in with their own take on possible reasons for his reaction and refusal to talk about it.

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