The Swingers Attic

Tag: swinging

A break from swinging and drifting apart

by on Aug.11, 2012, under Spice

Question:
Hi Miranda and Aarron.
I am addicted to your site and always love your answers to the questions you get.
Now it is my turn to ask a question.
A little over a year ago my hubby and I took a break from swinging because of a family crisis and some financial issues. We had been long time swingers and most of our social life revolved around the lifestyle. In the last few months it feels like we have drifted apart and lost a huge part of what was us. We don’t feel our relationship is healthy enough to swing because we are not having much sex and have seen couples like that get jealous. We don’t want to be one of those. We know that if we went back to the lifestyle it could maybe light our fire. We have fears of problems though. My hubby said maybe soft swinging or just girls, but I was never much into soft play because it is like not getting my fries with my happy meal. I am also not into just girls. He mentioned just going to events to be. social too, but that would be like ordering my happy meal just to find out I left my purse at home.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so your situation sounds SO similar to what Aarron and I have been through. A loss in the family and major financial stress threw us into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety with each other. I’m glad to know there are others like us out there who are going through the same things sometimes.
I agree with your husband, I think you should start back into the social scene and in doing so you and your husband will start feeling sexy again. Then maybe go home to talk about sexy couples and then hop in the sack to get intimate with each other’s fantasies again.
I know it feels like wasting time to do that but it could be a really good thing for awhile until you get back on track.
NO one says not to take down couples profile names or numbers, just don’t play for a bit but still get out so you aren’t trudging through the daily grind of stress. It’s so easy to become compliant when SERIOUS stress hits. No longer feeling into the flame and just wanting to get through the day and into bed…for sleep only.
I recently came across some excellent advice which has given MY relationship it’s fire back a bit. If you want to feel the flame you once had…act the way you did when you first met. I know it seems fake and totally hard to do but once you start making the effort to make a fire together it actually works. It does feel uncomfortable a first and totally silly but I have enjoyed doing it. I can see the man in my husband he was before our life struggle and it makes me feel hot for him because there is a sparkle in is eyes again for me. I think you should try it, I mean after all what do you have to lose?
Try the newlywed thing and then start going to lifestyle events for just the social aspect for awhile. If you don’t get yourself out of the house especially for sexy fun, you will be like pond scum, very unattractive and going no where. I hope I’ve helped and will be sending positive naughty vibes your way. Thanks for sharing your life with us.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Yes, very similar to our own situation in many ways.
We have had some bad twists of fate in the last couple of years that have left us staggering.
It seems as if when it rains it pours. One thing after another and we have not had the time or ability for keeping ourselves together. We also have not had the time or urge to play with others sexually over the last year very much.
I’d guess that swingers (and similar types) at one point made up a good 90% of our friends when it came to socializing. Now I would say it is maybe 20% and sex is rarely involved.
Only recently have we started to try and break out of our routine to pursue such things again.
We are lucky in that we had made many friends in the lifestyle who stayed friends even without the sex.
The reason I think that lucky is that we are able to jump right in again with friends we already know rather than go hunting at clubs or via online to meet new people. It is just simply easier.
As a matter of fact we have a fun weekend planned for next weekend with just such a couple.
Miranda and I don’t have that perfect teem feeling we had before our sting of bad events. I wouldn’t be as comfortable as I once was playing as we used to. We don’t know each others ques as perfectly as we did even just a year ago.
It is time to re-learn them.
We learn through practice. Dinner dates with other new couples, parties that we go to with the idea of not playing, (unless we meet the most amazing couple ever that we just can’t help it) getting together with old friends, and being a bit more active on sites like Lifestyle Lounge than we have been for the last year.
We are just taking it slow. Socializing has always been a big pat of the lifestyle for me so it is cool to be getting back to it.
In short… I think it is a good idea for you to get back to it, and that it would probably light your fire like you think it would.
I also agree with your husband that you should keep it chill. If your not into soft swinging per se, then maybe some group play at a club and keep the intercourse between you two only for the first couple times. That could be like a happy meal with half the fries?

I don’t know how you two originally started, but however it was it worked.
Try and get yourselves back to whatever mental place you both were in when you originally started before you jump back in again full bore.

As for your worries of jealousy… Since you know what swinging is about you are the only one to know if you will have those issues or not when you start back up.

NOTE: (by Aarron)
I actually felt like we were airing a bit of our own dirty laundry with our answers on this one.
Unlike those who ask… we who answer are not anonymous.
Still, I think it is important to all who read our blog to know where we are coming from in some cases even if it isn’t a bed of roses.
Like all couples we have our ups and downs. Many times it is due to situations out of our control.
That is life however and we do what all couples who love each other should do. We persevere, try, forgive, and go on.
Eventually the storm passes and we dance in the sun. That is love.

 

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Canceling because the wife lacks sex appeal

by on Jul.23, 2012, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help, Playing with others, Unsorted

My husband and I are new to this lifestyle and we had our first
encounter with another couple in February. Like you both we(my husband
and I) consider ourselves “social swingers” we would like to forge
a relationship as friends and get to know the couple better before
moving forward.

His wife does not live in the country and she visits occasionally. In
February we meet 2 times, the 1st time for dinner where we had nice
conversation about the lifestyle and what we like and what they like
and past experiences good and bad. The 2nd time(in February) we went
out in a club environment and there was very little conversation as we
met up with another group of friends and didn’t really get to know
them. They were very patient and understanding for us as newbies!!

Within that time to now we have been in contact with her husband via
email and hung out once or twice. He (the husband) is really nice and
appealing to me, my husband find he is very nice as well, personality
and charm. Just as a note:- one of their rules are they always
“play” together and in the same room. We were ready to go if they
“played” separately. One of my husband fantasies is seeing me with
another man. Just hanging out with the husband added excitement to our
sex lives!!

Question:

The wife came back to visit last week and we meet twice so far and had
much more meaningful conversations, getting to know the wife better.
The predicament we are in right now is that the wife is not appealing
sexually to either my husband or myself. We have formed a cool
relationship with the husband but his wife lacks personality and sex
appeal. The wife leaves later in the week and they have invited us
over to their place, to have some fun before she leaves.

We are really do not want to go through with it anymore but we are not
sure what to say or how to turn down the offer without offending them.
We don’t want them to feel like we have strung them along either. We
also feel a bit rushed as they (the couple) want to get down to
business quickly before the wife leaves.
Can you please offer some advice on how to deal with this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
My personal belief on this matter is to just make yourselves busy until the wife leaves and then gradually and painlessly disconnect with the husband.  If they only play together then there is your answer…let him go!  They may be nice people and you don’t want to hurt  their feeling but truly do you really want to say,” hey listen we totally want the mister for a threesome but you remind me of a door mat and we just can’t find you appealing?”  No you don’t so do this with grace and consideration, let the connection go quietly and he won’t even know you did it.  Something just came up and you two can’t make it…enough said.  Yes they will wonder if you’re blowing them off but really in the grand scheme of things they will already know that if you put yourselves in a sexual situation that you and your husband aren’t comfortable with.  I usually say honesty is the best policy but…in this case to avoid ill feeling just make yourselves unavailable. Hope I have helped and thanks for writing in, happy swingin!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I am in total agreement with my wife on this one.
That is how we would handle it ourselves because 1) My wife does most of the pre-date chatty stuff, & 2) almost any other scenario would cause some sort of hurt feelings needlessly.
I would especially say that in your case as self described “newbies” taking one for the team or offering up a fuck to not offend or hurt feelings is not a great idea.
Hope it all works out for you.

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