The Swingers Attic

Tag: talking

Tit for tat, attraction, looks, and compromise

by on Feb.26, 2012, under Couples Dating, Newbie Help

Question:
My husband and I have been transforming into swingers the last couple
of years.

It started out when I was turned on by other men’s attraction to me
that I took home to my husband. My husband suggested that we invite a
guy over and not 10 minutes later we met a man that told my husband
that he was a swinger and offered his attention. I enjoyed his
company, but I was not ready. My husband was a it pushy, but the
gentleman put a stop to that.

Later my husband bought lap dances from a male stripper. At first I
was so uptight that the dancer said that he couldn’t do it and would
come back after I had a few drinks. The dancer was pretty aggressive,
but sexy as hell and I ended up shocking myself. I have never been so
turned on.

Soon we were seeking to replicate a bit of that excitement. My husband
invited a couple of men to see my breasts while we were out of town
(separate occasions), and one thing led to another…. I think we were
both happy with the arrangement until…

One day, a couple came knocking at our door. Soon, our bodies were
entwined. The female laid down the rules. No kissing. No intercourse.
She was 23 and very slim. We just did a soft swap.

We started going to a swingers club afterwards. My husband has decided
that he wants to participate fully. We found another young couple
where the female is also very slim and in her twenties. It was their
first time, and her husband became upset seeing her with my husband,
so that didn’t go over all that well.

My husband and I are in our late forties to early fifties. We are both
overweight – I have put on the weight in a curvy way (5’6″ size 10-12
34DD) He has put on 70 lbs – mostly in his middle) I must say, he was
too skinny when we met.)

He is very picky. He will generally pick out a couple right away – the
hottest woman in the room and plant himself in her vicinity. Often we
end up in a heavily trafficked isle. This makes me crazy. I like
moving around the room and meeting different people or finding a
comfortable spot that is out of the direct flow of traffic. I enjoy
talking to people even if I know I am not interested in sleeping with
them.

I can be attracted to someone because of their wit and intellect,
their great body, or their personality in some combination. When I can
feel their attraction too, it is fun and hot. This drives my husband
crazy. He wants me to “work” on the couple that he has chosen.

This makes me feel like a stalker. Even if I am totally attracted to
someone, if they seem less than completely enamoured, I walk away. If
they want me, they had better Know it and make their intentions known
or come after me. Lol. It is hard to do this And be a stalker.

I get attention from a lot of people when we go out – including very
hot men. My hubby now wants things to be tit for tat. I want to fuck
hot men. Am I just going to be frustrated from now on except if a
miracle happens? Do you have any suggestions? How does not believe in
solo play.

Answer:
By Miranda-
It sounds like your husband is driving your swinger car. He’s telling you, “Okay honey put on your seat-belt because I know where we’re going and I know how to get there.”  He doesn’t sound very compassionate to your needs or desires and just assumes that when you get to a club or social setting with swingers you’re just along for the ride and ready to get down to business.
I always tell couples who struggle with taking on the dominate role in the relationship they should step back and assess the situation.
Basically you sit down and listen to him tell you how he wants to do things and have him LISTEN to the way YOU want to do things and then come to a compromise on how you two are going to function as a unit in the swinger lifestyle. It is like a reset, and you are going back to basics and setting rules for each other all over again (I really hope you two did that to begin with).
When you had your first encounter you said your husband was pushy, and from what you said I am assuming he’s that way with life in general. In the lifestyle it takes communications and compromises to make the other happy and sometimes it takes the more domineering spouse a lot longer to catch on to this.
I love that you’re so easy going and willing to accomidate your husband’s desires but in every relationship there’s two people, and each must listen to the others concerns and meet in the middle.
In some situations it’s okay to say “hey honey I’m not into doing that,” but I personally only say something when it’s something I’m uncomfortable with or just plain not into…such as food play…NO thank you (love you honey).
Maybe you two can stalk people one night and the next time mingle and relax a bit. That my dear is tit for tat!
As for your husband wanting the same attention you get…SORRY but not gonna happen. In the lifestyle women rule and anyone willing to argue that with me I would love to hear from. We women are almost like the topping on a wedding cake, everyone sees it and everyone admires it in some way.
Women are and have been since the beginning of time the most desired and chased, hence great artist painting, sculpting and sketching our beautiful bodies of all shapes and sizes much more than that of men. Wars have been started over women, how many women in history started wars over men…not many! I appreciate your husband’s need for equal attention, but if he holds his breath waiting he may just pass out. Thank you for writing in, I hope I helped even in the least bit and I wish you luck in communicating YOUR needs to your husband and then finding a middle ground. Thanks again!

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that solo play in your case would probably be a huge mistake because you will get all the action and your husband very little if any at all.
The fact is that unless your husband is sporting a six pack and has a face that makes women swoon he is only able to swing on a regular basis because of you.
As my wife said… women rule in swinging. They rule in most cases when it comes to sexual games, though I can half way disagree with her statement about art. There is a ton of great art out there depicting men. It should be noted though that those depictions usually portray athletic men and are the creations of or commissioned by gay or bisexual men rather than women.
In other words what I am saying is that you hold all the cards. He holds none.
I’m not suggesting of course that you force him to play, socialize, or seek partners only in the way you wish, but truth be told he would have few other options than to play along or not play at all if that was the case.
There are a lot of different ways to compromise and make sure both of you are getting what you need.
Miranda suggested on such compromise that would work for some people.
Another would be to just let your husband take charge of the seeking out playmates in his way while you just mingle in your own fashion without worry. If your husband is successful on his own in befriending the “hottest woman in the room” he can bring her over and introduce you. If you hit it off great. If you don’t hit it off he can go make his attempts on the girl he considers the second most attractive person in the room.
Mingling is fun to me also and I enjoy meeting and talking with all sorts at clubs. We do of course scout the main areas of a club looking for potentials when we arrive, but we also take our time and just socialize. We both talk and agree before we play with anyone and it is both of our choice when we play.
Miranda does not boss me, nor do I boss her in play styles. We suggest, we ask, and we veto if not into it.
For swinging to work long term it must be good for everyone involved. You will not last long in it if you are regularly both feeling like the other is “driving you crazy” with their demands.
You can not expect your husband to wish play with people just because you do and he can not expect you to work on a couple when you are not feeling it.
It will become more stressful than the fun is worth eventually. It would be much better to skip play on such occasions that you don’t find a couple your both in solid agreement on in my opinion.
At least that is how we do it.

 

 

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Is it wrong to wish to expose her to swinging?

by on Dec.05, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi. I used to watch a lot of pornography before ( I don’t watch as
much anymore). But I’ve been with my girlfriend for a real long time
now and I’ve told her everything from my porn obsession to wanting to
participate in a swinger experience. I’m the only man she has ever
slept with, but she’s not my first. We’ve talked about it a lot and
she liked the idea of being apart of a swinger experience. Since we
are newbies we’ve only been doing voyeurism. We went to a swinger club
twice and we just had sex with each other but it was hard for me to
stay hard because I just wanted to masturbate to other couples having
sex (I realized then that from watching so much porn, it’s a habit to
masturbate from watching other people have sex). Now I want to watch
my girlfriend have sex with another man. And she’s pretty enthusiastic
about it too. But I feel guilty because I feel like that’s something a
first boyfriend shouldn’t do. As if I’m giving her away. Or corrupting
her. I would try to justify it as its a good experience for her
because she gets to sleep with other men(because we’ll probably be
together for ever). So it’s her way of getting her share of experience
too, without it being infidelity. Should I go forward with my fantasy?
Is it wrong for a girl whose’s only been with one man to start
swinging? Sometimes I think that swingers go into the lifestyle after
they’ve had their fair share of partners. Oh and we’ve never swung
before. I would love to hear your opinion. Interpret it as you wish.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think it’s totally fine for you to want to watch your girlfriend be with another man and just masturbate to the experience. I also think it’s fantastic you’re willing to share the experience with your girlfriend who isn’t as sexually experienced as yourself.
Please remember to always communicate if there is something outside of your comfort zone and to watch her back. Just because you’re having an awesome time jerking off doesn’t mean your girlfriend is. Although she may be excited to have sex with another man now, she may during the actual experience clam up or feel totally awful about it but doesn’t want to say anything.
Listen to her reasons to things and pay close attention to her facial cues. Never assume that just because you’re into something your partner is too. Fantasy is WAY different than reality my friend. I also want to add that your’re only “corrupting” you girlfriend if you yourself believe your fantasy is morally wrong and have to “talk” her into it or you want her to go against what she believes is the truth of human sexuality.
To me it’s completely natural, but try to tell a preacher’s daughter that…corruption is then had! I wish you the very best entering the lifestyle and hope I was able to give you positive feedback. Thanks for sharing yourselves (no pun intended), have fun and play safe.

Answer:
By Aarron-
I can be a bit of a voyeur myself, but only if I know the people involved personally so your desire to watch your girlfriend seems completely fine to me.
As for the if it is wrong part… If she is enthusiastic about it then heck no it isn’t wrong.
We all start out with zero partners, then have just one, and then more. The course to get from point A to point B is always a bit different.
I personally think it is kinda cool that she will get to explore such things with a first boyfriend. Many women I have know are filled with hangups about their sexuality and full of guilt from first boyfriends who went the opposite way and filled their minds with shame and insecurities because of personal jealousies.
As long as you are both really into the idea, you both communicate well, and you both keep each others feelings and wishes in mind I would personally consider it a great chance to possibly have a fabulous adventure.

Extra note here:
I have met many couples who have entered the lifestyle because they never had other experiences before marriage. Curiosity about others is a strong motivator. Some of these couples play just a few times and are done, while others become long term swingers. Some go slow, and some go fast. It isn’t for everyone, but it is very common to find couples where one or both have had only one sex partner before. Many regular lifestylers shy away from such couples because it is more possible for such situations to end in emotional drama. Some seek out such couples because they think of it as a sort of virginity and get an extra bit of spice from being the first. I myself neither avoid or seek out such couples, but I have become wary because their truly is a higher possibility of drama. Usually the drama could have been avoided if the said couple had communicated with each other better beforehand.
That was my way of saying “talk everything over big time before taking the plunge.”
Good luck.

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