The Swingers Attic

Tag: talking

He wants to see her with another guy, she says no

by on Oct.02, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

My partner has been involved in swinging for past 6 years with his EX
and always talks about how bad he wants me to try and I will love it, but
am not too crazy about it and am not ready for this at all. What he really
wants is to see me with another guy but I just cant and don’t know how to
tell him am not ready for this please help.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think it’s great you’re seeking help for telling your partner that you aren’t ready and don’t want to swing through a swingers advice site.
My advice to you is simply this, tell him you’re not ready and if after you tell him he still isn’t understanding of your concerns or feelings then maybe you need to re evaluate your relationship with him.
I always find it interesting when women choose to start in the lifestyle because their partners want them to, so I say bravo to you for sticking to your guns and saying, “Hey this isn’t for me right now and possibly ever.”
It’s okay you aren’t into the lifestyle. It truly isn’t for everyone.
I also think that unless you have a good base established in your relationship, it’s not the best idea to start swinging. We’ve known couples who have been married for 15 years plus before swinging only to end in divorce.
The lifestyle is relationship changing, and whether you become closer or farther apart it definitely takes open communication and tremendous trust to make it work. I don’t know how long you’ve been with your partner or where you see yourself with this person two years from now, but I will tell you that a simple NO should do, and if he keeps pushing you to do something you aren’t comfortable with then he apparently doesn’t have your best interest in mind and probably never will. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but partners who push the other into sexual situations that they’re not comfortable with are only in it for themselves.
I wish you the best in your relationship and also in standing up for your own personal beliefs. It’s so important in life to follow your heart, but it is just as important to follow your own sexual comfort levels. Don’t let anyone take the reins to your OWN sexual experiences because it’ll only end in disaster. If you aren’t into it now or EVER it’s okay, truly don’t let someone decide for you. Thank you for coming to us for advice and I hope everything works out for you.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Your situation is not uncommon. I have met many people who began swinging from exactly the same position you are in. Sometimes the pressure of the male pushes the female into it and she finds it was the best thing ever. More often though it goes poorly from the start or resentment builds because of such situations.
Whatever the possible future may be if you do decide to play along with your partners wishes isn’t really the point here though.
You own your body and your mind. It is up to you and nobody else what you decide to do sexually.
You need to have a good talk with him about your feelings. Let him know that if ever you want to try swinging or are even willing to seriously discuss doing so you will tell him. Let him know that until that point you don’t wish to discuss it as a real situation. He should respect this and if he doesn’t then as my wife said… you need to reevaluate your relationship.
The other side of this coin is that for whatever reasons they may be your partner has a strong desire to see you with another person.
Fantasies are normal and healthy. You I am sure have had fantasies involving people and or scenarios that are not things you truly plan on doing. Remember that when talking to you partner and respect that his fantasies are normal. Also remember that his particular desires involving you are very common.
If you are of the sort that enjoys bedroom talk during sex then you may even suggest that sometimes it would be fun to talk about such scenarios during sex. This would possibly help your partner in feeling fulfilled and increase sexual excitement at times. Just tell him you would like to keep the talk to fantasy land unless you say otherwise.

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Suggesting the lifestyle to a girlfriend

by on Jun.29, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

I have a bit of a catch 22 here. I would like to get into the life
style, but that is hard when I a single male, and when I suggest going
to a party to my girl friend I soon find myself single again.

That has happened twice now.
Any thing to help this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I suggest you get into the lifestyle as a single male.  I think because you’re totally committed to the idea of becoming a participant in the lifestyle it may be best if you start off on your own and work yourself up to maybe finding a single women already playing in the lifestyle.
I think it’s important for you to do this because attempting to draw women into a relationship that you eventually turn around and suggest, “Hey baby let’s play with other people,” apparently is a bit scary for these little fawns.  Some women are able to have that openness in a new relationship but most won’t.
For example, Aarron and I have been together eight years and married four and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I was ready to take the very intimate road to swinging.
It’s a larger commitment than you think to begin this venture and so these women aren’t even telling you they think you’re insane, they’re saying they aren’t ready and you have no right to ask them so soon.
I can’t speak for these women of course so I really don’t know how they feel, but I’ll tell you that if you’re getting into these relationships with hopes you’ll get them into the swinging sack you need to re evaluate your need for a serious girlfriend.
I just answered another single male question on how to approach a women’s husband at a social meet and greet, please read that and maybe begin researching where in your area you can participate.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you enter your next relationship with the intent of   developing an intimate connection built on trust and love and with NO other agenda.  It sometimes takes years (we know couples who didn’t start swinging until their 15 wedding anniversaries) to develop the type of relationship that can withstand the pressure and stress the lifestyle can sometimes present.  Don’t take swinging lightly and don’t assume it’s just sex and games.  A well formed relationship must be established in which to survive and thrive in the lifestyle.  The reason these women are running for the hills isn’t because you’re sexual desires freak them out, they’re running because the trust and commitment of the relationship hasn’t been formed before you turned on the red light.  Thank you so much for your question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not sure how long you have had these girlfriends before asking them to swing, so I am just going with the assumption of a year or less each.
First of all, building trust and a real partnership is very important before diving into swinging when it comes to most women. Security is what lets them go to that place in a world that calls the activity taboo.
You must remember that women live in a world where it is considered bad by the majority to have multiple sex partners. They are called sluts, whores, skanks, etc… all in a nasty manner for even having just 7 or 8 sexual lifetime partners. They are taught it devalues them. To be secure enough to jump into swinging most women need a partner they know will not judge them in that manner and who will stay with and support them.
With such a partner many women find the world of swinging an enlightening and empowering experience.
How women are viewed by the general masses when it comes to sexual activities is the very reason there are so few single women in swinging compared to single men.
Men are not judged in such ways.
So… How to suggest going to a swingers party for the first time…
If you have a girlfriend now and have not spoken about swinging to her, but wish to do so my suggestion is going slow.
Bring up swinging and other forms of nonmonogamy in ways that keep it outside of your own relationship.
Maybe talk about related news events, surveys, movies, etc…
This will get the ball rolling in the right direction and let you know where she stands on the subject.
If after a few weeks of this all seems cool, slowly start adding in suggestions as hypothetical type situations. Don’t rush it.
Women don’t want to feel pushed or rushed.
Eventually you can get to good fantasy play.
Once you have those bits in place (her views from discussions+fantasy talk) give it some more time before starting in with the “I would like to do that for real,” type talk. Once you start with that I suggest not doing it very much. A tiny mention twice in a month can keep it in her mind and let her build her own ideas on the subject. A mention every other day could make her think your just pushing her and that she isn’t enough for you.
If she doesn’t end up wanting to try it out in that way then it most likely isn’t a good idea anyway.
Scenario two is that you have a new girlfriend or are between girlfriends currently.
In this case my advice would be different.
You are not connected with this girl yet. No actual bonds or commitments exist.
In the same way as I mentioned above get the topic out there in the open.
Start a dialog from something related. News, TV characters, music, art, etc…
In this scenario however once that dialog has been started you should just jump in with your viewpoints.
Let it be known from the start that you think the idea of swinging is cool.
You are not a real couple yet, so there isn’t any huge pressure. It lays your cards on the table so the women knows what she will be getting into if she gets into a serious relationship with you.
Many will “run for the hills,” as Miranda said, but that is not a bad thing if becoming part of the lifestyle is a necessity for you.
It is better to just get it out there right away than spend months forming a relationship your not going to have success with or not be content with.
As for Miranda’s idea of finding a single woman who is already in the swingers lifestyle, best bet if your single at the the moment is to go that direction.
It wont be easy, but it does happen. We have met many couples who originally met as singles through lifestyle clubs and websites.
Good luck to you.

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