The Swingers Attic

Tag: team

Reciprocity in taking one for the team?

by on Aug.11, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Playing with others

Question:

I have been taking one for my team with a guy who I would skip over in
a heartbeat if his wife wasn’t my husbands #1 favorite of all time
play partner. The guy isn’t exactly bad, he is just boring and not my
type. My question to you is if you think my husband owes me the same
courtesy? He will not even consider a couple if the woman isn’t exactly
to his liking no matter what my opinion of them are. I’m feeling like
I’m getting the short end of the stick.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay, so in my opinion without beating around the bush, and hopefully without losing too many followers, yes he owes you a play-date with someone you are as equally into.
In the swinging community we all know that sometimes the left shoe doesn’t look the same as the right and I don’t want to call it, “taking one for the team” because I know I wouldn’t want someone referring to me as that, but I’ll call it going along for the ride.  *Lol* it sounds nicer!
I think it’s really important to let your husband know that at any time you have the right to refuse service and he should appreciate you being a full service bar.  Let him know that while you do enjoy him enjoying himself, you also deserve the chance at such bliss in the lifestyle, and maybe feel like you should take a break from this couple until you can both find a couple you both dig equally.
I want to tell my readers I have found one man (that I have had sex with) to be completely non sex compatible (that’s also me being nice) with me in the lifestyle and we never saw them again because of that.  Aarron was REALLY into her and he knew I was going along for the ride and to be honest I was glad to do so.  He was like a school boy with this women and I found it adorable,  BUT he didn’t let me do it again and again for his own enjoyment!!!!!  It was a one shot encounter.
Tell your husband no more playdates with this couple until you get a Hercules just like he had his Zena, darn it! Make sure he knows you do it for him…EVERYTIME… with this couple.  Let him know you deserve goodness too and refuse to settle every time.  Be strong, and girl it’s okay in a situation like this to put your foot down, after all it’s your body and your experience.  You call the shots!  Good luck and I hope you find your Hercules.

Answer:
By Aarron-
This is a touchy subject because many people in the lifestyle don’t like to admit they sometimes “take one for the team,” or maybe are the one that someone is thinking of in that context.
The reality is that it happens to a small extent pretty often with any couple that plays regularly.
It is rare to find the perfect match. One spouse is often more desirable than the other, and that is just the way it is. Looks, personality, bedroom skills, etc… all make a person attractive and desirable in swinging. Finding a couple where both are A+ top shelf perfect is about as likely as a pig with wings. If you do find them it is not likely they will think the same of you. Tastes do differ.
When you do find that perfect play partner it is very doubtful their spouse will be your husbands perfect partner.
Conclusion = Your definitely getting the short end of the stick.
Your husband needs to learn and play fair. Equality in the enjoyment department, or as close as you can find is important.
I’m glad you said “The guy isn’t exactly bad, he is just boring and not my type” when describing your situation.
If you had said he was horrible I would have had to rant.
It isn’t good for you or the other people involved when such things are going on.
Nobody wants to find out that someone they have been having sex with repeatedly wasn’t enjoying it. I’m guessing you have been, but you know you could be having more fun in another situation. That is actually OK in my book. Not all sex partners are going to measure up equal. They don’t need to measure up perfectly. They are PLAY partners only. Good friends if your lucky. They are not life mates.
If you really don’t like it at all though… Stop! If the sex is horrible… Stop! If the evenings are not fun at all…Stop!
My advice on getting your husband to play fair with you in couples selection is to do as my wife said and put your foot down.
If he doesn’t wish to play fair then he doesn’t get to play.
That is how I would handle it.

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First swap turned into bad half swap

by on Aug.06, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

My husband and I have talked about swapping partners for almost 2 years and we finally decided to go through with it. We had a few dinner dates and also spent a lot of time on web cam and texting with the couple before we set a date. Everything went great until the actual sex. The foreplay was great and the guy put a condom on and entered me. I orgasmed in less than 10 seconds I think. For some reason that made my husband cum. They had not gotten to the fucking yet. She was giving him head still. My husband got all weird and just watched us silently while the guy fucked me. The mans wife couldn’t get my husband into going for another round. My partner stopped and I don’t think he came, but he was nice and acted like he had. We all said our goodbyes and headed home. My husband made a few comments about not getting any and seemed jealous that I did.
He doesn’t answer the woman’s texts now and says sarcastic things if I get a text from them.
They want to see us again and said they would make sure my husband started first so he would feel better. They are experienced swingers and said they understand and still want to play. I know my husband is being childish and is embarrassed. I also know he really wanted to swing. I think he is afraid to try again. Any advice on how to make him feel better and give it a go would be appreciated. Thanks.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think when you and your spouse decide to take the plunge it’s really important if a situation arises to communicate your intentions after.
I recommend you to sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel. Something like “Hey honey, I remember this was something WE both wanted to experience, it’s really important to OUR relationship that we talk this out because at the end of our playdate I needed us to reconnect (whether that be with sex or communication) and we didn’t.  I feel like because maybe this first playdate wasn’t ideal for you, you have taken it out a little on myself and the couple we played with by not texting the female back.  What can I do next time to  make sure you have the best time you can have?”
So that is the conversation I would start with your husband!
I also would like to point out that from experience Aarron has (and yes honey I’m using you as an example) came before things really have gotten going, and what I will do in a situation like that is try to guide the attention to him and off of my playmate.  I know that in this situation it was difficult because  your playmate was in you but I can tell you that in such a situation I would be the only person who can get my husband up again for sure.
Remember that at the end of the night you’re going home with your spouse and this is an experience that can build intimacy or take it away if communication of the night isn’t brought forth.  I’m not saying you did anything wrong, I’m just telling you from my sexual playdate experiences what has helped out our own relationship.
I’ve also not gone over to my husband while he needed me and believe me at the end of the night I really wish I had.  Tensions runs deep when your spouse believes you can read their mind and then you fail.
I think that maybe your husband is embarrassed, and I think you two need to talk about it.
I also think that because this is your first time you definitely have that going for you.
I also want you to let your husband know how sexy he was while doing whatever he was doing before hand. (getting his cock sucked for example)  Men need to know what they were doing turned their wife on as well, so even if he came too early give him the reassurance he needs because after all the only one who can is you.  Not the other couple and not another playdate with the other couple but… you!  Sometimes just stroking a man’s ego back into swinging is all it takes, but communication is also extremely essential.
I think it’s safe to say your husband probably won’t want to give it another go with the same couple but he might after you try a few more.  Make sure you let this couple know how much you appreciate their wanting a second date, and let them know you definitely will talk to your husband about it and keep them posted.
Your husband learns from experience, if you turned the corner on your way to work and found the road covered in nails would you on the next day take the same route to work???  I wouldn’t in fear the person who cleaned them up didn’t get them all.  Now would you then everyday pick another road to travel on for the rest of your life in fear you may run over a nail…NO!!!
Your husband needs time to get it together in his head and also an understanding and reassuring wife to help him find another road.  I hope my advice helped and you get back into the swing of things.  Thank you for your question!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I am guessing he is feeling foolish, embarrassed, and possibly not up to the task of swinging.
His manhood has been laid low from the experience.
In my swinging experiences I have had a few mishaps myself.
1) I drank too much at a party and when we retired to a hotel room afterwards I had a less than perfect erection.
To combat the situation I went as fast and hard as I could to get some sensation (it was a bit numb) and ended up lasting a whole 5 minutes or so. Lucky for me the gal I was with was at about the same level of intoxication. We played again a few weeks later minus the huge amounts of alcohol to make up for it.
2) I don’t dig pain and a woman bit me hard. Hard enough that I lost my erection from it. I know my cock, and I was not worried. I told her I’d need a few, but it would come back. I asked my wife to help speed things up. She did. She is amazing with oral. In this case I think I would have been distressed if I had an average sexual past. Losing an erection mid use is not confidence building.
3) I once had what happened to your husband happen to me. Not for the same reasons, but that isn’t relevant. I came before it was time. This was in a hotel room with two beds. My wife was with the woman’s husband on the other bed and was paying no attention to me whatsoever. I felt betrayed that she didn’t notice and wouldn’t help me out.
4) On a few occasions I have had trouble rising to the occasion for rounds three and four during a long night of play. I expect her help if needed in these cases too.
My point in listing my own problem moments is that it happens.
I have over the years had times when I didn’t last long and times when I was as hard as steel and going at it until I gave up on reaching orgasm from frustration.
My wife knows exactly how to bring me up to working order. It is my job to let her know, and her job to pay attention. In swinging you will find that it is best for both of you to pay attention to each other for various reasons and be there for each other to make sure things go smoothly.
My advice to you is that if you wish to try swinging again you must first re-build his confidence.
You must then make sure he knows you will have his back.
The way Miranda suggested to go about it sounds like a great plan.
I also agree that going back to the same couple at first isn’t the best of ideas. My reasons for that are a bit different from Miranda’s. My reason is that your husband may feel added pressure to perform well and that is a disaster waiting to happen. If he thinks he has to make up for his earlier performance he may start to worry about his performance even more. Anxiety can cause an erection not to happen, can cause an erection to go away, and can also cause premature ejaculation. Worry makes the willy not mind the owner. Confidence makes it behave perfectly.

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