The Swingers Attic

Tag: threesome

Halloween worries and a girl from work

by on Nov.07, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

My work throws an annual Halloween party that is such a big affair we feel obligated to attend so we miss out on a lot of wild lifestyle fun, but this year we even went a step further with my husband being one of the designated drivers. The last person we brought home after the party was very drunk and talked us into coming inside to hang out for a while. I was very drunk too and I flirt a lot when drunk. We ended up having a threesome. My husband is now regretful and though it was me who started it all claims it was his fault because he was sober. The girl is a long time friend of mine and she talks a lot so my husband is sure she will eventually tell people. I’m not so sure and keep telling my husband that it wouldn’t make much of a difference anyway. He is a machinist and part owner. He is just worried about people talking. We have been in the lifestyle for close to ten years. I keep asking him what the worst that could happen is, and he keeps saying your just not supposed to tell and that people wont understand. I think it may be a good thing even if she talks. It would be nice not to lie to our friends all the time about who our other friends are and why we can’t invite them along sometimes when we go out.  I’d like to hear your opinions on this.
Thanks for the great site. I read it mostly for fun, and have wished a few times I had something to write in about. Now I do. I should add that we have been toying with the idea of exploring polyamory, but my husbands fear of people talking has been the big hurdle.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think its okay that you played with this girl from your work.  I don’t think the situation poses a threat to you or your husband…or the girl.  Your husband needs to remember that this lady played too, she wasn’t just watching so unless she’s openly bisexual and wants everyone to know her business I think you two are safe.  Also if she’s a long time friend of yours just ask her to come over to talk about the play night you had.  Ask her how she’s feeling about it and in turn you’ll know where she stands with the whole thing.
Just assuming she’s going to spill the beans is a little presumptuous of your husband so with open lines of communication all will be revealed.  If you’re feeling strange about asking her to your house maybe ask her to lunch so you can talk.  I always say communication is key and I’m a firm believer of that.  Talk to her, tell her your concerns and go from there.  You don’t know until you know so…find it out.
You mentioned wanting a polyamory type relationship possibly one day (not necessarily with this girl) well I’ll tell you that relationship isn’t EVEN possible if you don’t practice complete honesty in the first place.
I hope I’ve helped a little and encouraged you to be true to yourselves and open up to this female with your worries and even possibly your expectations for future encounters with her if at all.  Maybe she’s thinking, “Omg I’m so embarrassed because I felt comfortable with this couple and they haven’t talked to me and I really liked them and hoped for a budding relationship.”  Or maybe she’s regretful and needs to be reassured it’s okay. Or worse scenario she’s thinking,  ”What if they tell people????” lol  You’ll never know until you ask her so just ask!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Though I usually always take the stance of keeping sex and relationships out of the workplace, the situation you describe doesn’t sound like it is much of a possible problem. Not saying that it couldn’t become one, but as you described it I think all sounds pretty good.
She is a long time friends so you can easily talk to her about the situation. Do so.
It is that simple.
If she really is a friend she should respect your wishes of privacy. Also you could be reassuring her of the same thing. If she hasn’t mentioned it yet then it is a safe bet she doesn’t plan on it, and may actually be worried you will spill the beans.
On the subject of your husbands worries… He is right. Being out as a lifestyler will make people talk. They will talk a lot. Some people will possibly even distance themselves from you. People you thought to be friends will turn out to be judgmental assholes. People you may think wouldn’t understand at all will come forward with questions and support. You will most likely be surprised by the various reactions. The only for sure reaction will be that many will will talk, and many won’t understand.

On a personal note I will say that I am in support of anyone who can be out as non-monogamous being out.
I believe that the more people who do let it be known the better people who are monogamous will understand.
It doesn’t matter if you identify as a swinger, poly or both when it comes to the value of being out for society. It gives people a real face to the concept rather than what they get from rumors or media hype.
When you tell a vanilla you are a swinger there is a good chance they think you are having random key party sex. They may think you attend orgies and participate with every single person who makes an advance. They may think you are being abused and forced into such actions by your husband.
Those are a few general misconceptions of many vanillas because they have never had anyone real to associate with the concept. Everyone who is out helps dispel those misconceptions.

 

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Opening Pandora’s box and blocking emotions

by on Nov.03, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

The other night was mine and my husband first couple experience, he had
allowed me to play with other women alone before but this was our
first time playing together so we were both nervous in the beginning
but we started with some exhibition to break the ice,but when he wanted
the other female I was sooo uncomfortable I withdrew myself from
participation,and as he did other sexual acts with this woman I felt
even more hurt like he wasn’t mine anymore. Even though I had allowed
him to play,and even encouraged it I felt like he was at fault for
wanting her. Now I just feel stupid for even opening pandora’s box. I
want to get past my hurt and continue in the lifestyle because I’m the
one who pursued it. Do you have any tips on how to block some the
emotion so we can continue participating in the lifestyle?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Blocking emotions in this lifestyle when open communications is essential truly is not advised.
You need to let your husband know exactly how you feel. Tell him you were really uncomfortable with the situation and you wished you had communicated that at the time because now you feel as if you opened a can of worms and don’t want to put them on your fishing line anymore.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel because shutting them in and playing anyway truly is a recipe for divorce (whether you think so or not) or the making of a dishonest sexual relationship that will eventually lead to lifestyle insecurities and blaming the other for the way you feel.  You’ll begin pointing fingers at each other and it won’t take long before the situation is totally out of control.
I know it’s cheesy, but honesty is the best policy.  For all you know your husband didn’t enjoy playing with this this women and did it because he thought you wanted him to.  Point out the elephant in the room, don’t just try putting a sheet over him.  This may even help you feel more comfortable with your husband playing with other females in the long run because you’ll know that if you’re uncomfortable with the situation you can stop play or at least feel comfortable with coming to him with your feelings after.
I will say after having this talk with your husband maybe give the lifestyle a little break and sort through all the emotions in your head, and then try playing with a female again just to make sure it wasn’t a first time uncomfortable event.
Sometimes couples face insecurities in the lifestyle and it’s essential to talk it out to move forward or backwards in the lifestyle.  Never move too fast and never move without a strategy.  If after some time you try playing again and feel the same way then swinging may not be for you, but hey I’m the type of person who’ll try anything twice, so maybe give it a shot.
First get it all out there how the night made you feel and then decide what to do next.  Your husband isn’t going to punish you because you were uncomfortable when you were the one who originally wanted to do it, and if he does then your relationship isn’t strong enough to swing in the first place.  Thank you for your openness with us and I wish you all the best when you open up to your husband.

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that you went through an experience that many thousands of people have gone through. You are not alone.
You like playing with other girls, and you thought you would be OK with a threesome, but the real deal didn’t fit emotionally like it did as a fantasy or hypothetical situation.
You had a bit of jealousy, you became freaked out, and your thoughts ran crazy.
I have heard your exact scenario from both men and women about first time swinging adventures many times. I have heard them from people who swing and people who don’t swing when they find out that I do. They tell me their horror story so to speak, and then ask how I cope.
I tell them it has never been an issue for me because I have always disconnected the act of sex from that of love. I have also never connected sex with proprietorship over another individual.
From your reaction to the situation you obviously do both. It made you feel loss. It confused you.
Dampening your emotions is not the way to go.
Suppressing such feelings isn’t healthy. I have met couples who had success after such an experience just by pushing through it and swinging until they didn’t care so much, but I have seen that become a bad situation too.
My advice is to step back and think. Think about the fact that people can have great sex with people they just met and don’t even know their names. Realize that if you did such a thing you would not love your husband any less. Realize that if your husband did such a thing he would love you still and still be yours as you put it. He certainly wouldn’t belong to lady X that he didn’t even know the name of.
Marriage is not about sex. Ask 90% of men who have been married over ten years and you will find that one is true. (Though many will wish it was more about sex)
You say “I want to get past my hurt and continue in the lifestyle because I’m the one who pursued it.”
That is not the best reason to continue. Weigh your pros and cons when it comes to the lifestyle. Ask yourself what you think you will get out of pursuing it. Ask yourself what problems you may deal with, and if it is worth it. Don’t do it just because you originally wanted to do so.
If you soul search and find you do wish to participate in swinging, but don’t want to have the same experience repeat then you should slow down and set some boundaries to protect yourself.
If you are only engaging in threesomes with other women then maybe you could start with an anything goes between you and the other girl, but your husband may only ________. (fill in the blank)
As you get used to his more limited play you can open it up a bit.
“Honey, I’d like you to ________ next time.” type of thing.
If you are playing with couples then maybe soft swing and have an only go as far as I do type rule.
It is hard to get jealous when you are leading the way and setting the pace. It even can become a sort of secret game between you.
Play within your comfort boundaries.
Boundaries can be very important, and crossing them takes the fun away from it all. If it isn’t going to be fun there is no point in swinging.
Whatever you do… blocking emotion is usually a dangerous path, and it is not one I recommend.
I truly hope you are able to work your way through this and enjoy because I am guessing that it is something you wish to do for yourself even more than because you were the one to originally pursue it.
Set boundaries and talk it to death until your comfortable. Go slow, and be careful. If you do, you’ll more than likely be amazed at how soon those boundaries will expand.

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