The Swingers Attic

Tag: women

Suggesting the lifestyle to a girlfriend

by on Jun.29, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

I have a bit of a catch 22 here. I would like to get into the life
style, but that is hard when I a single male, and when I suggest going
to a party to my girl friend I soon find myself single again.

That has happened twice now.
Any thing to help this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I suggest you get into the lifestyle as a single male.  I think because you’re totally committed to the idea of becoming a participant in the lifestyle it may be best if you start off on your own and work yourself up to maybe finding a single women already playing in the lifestyle.
I think it’s important for you to do this because attempting to draw women into a relationship that you eventually turn around and suggest, “Hey baby let’s play with other people,” apparently is a bit scary for these little fawns.  Some women are able to have that openness in a new relationship but most won’t.
For example, Aarron and I have been together eight years and married four and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I was ready to take the very intimate road to swinging.
It’s a larger commitment than you think to begin this venture and so these women aren’t even telling you they think you’re insane, they’re saying they aren’t ready and you have no right to ask them so soon.
I can’t speak for these women of course so I really don’t know how they feel, but I’ll tell you that if you’re getting into these relationships with hopes you’ll get them into the swinging sack you need to re evaluate your need for a serious girlfriend.
I just answered another single male question on how to approach a women’s husband at a social meet and greet, please read that and maybe begin researching where in your area you can participate.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you enter your next relationship with the intent of   developing an intimate connection built on trust and love and with NO other agenda.  It sometimes takes years (we know couples who didn’t start swinging until their 15 wedding anniversaries) to develop the type of relationship that can withstand the pressure and stress the lifestyle can sometimes present.  Don’t take swinging lightly and don’t assume it’s just sex and games.  A well formed relationship must be established in which to survive and thrive in the lifestyle.  The reason these women are running for the hills isn’t because you’re sexual desires freak them out, they’re running because the trust and commitment of the relationship hasn’t been formed before you turned on the red light.  Thank you so much for your question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not sure how long you have had these girlfriends before asking them to swing, so I am just going with the assumption of a year or less each.
First of all, building trust and a real partnership is very important before diving into swinging when it comes to most women. Security is what lets them go to that place in a world that calls the activity taboo.
You must remember that women live in a world where it is considered bad by the majority to have multiple sex partners. They are called sluts, whores, skanks, etc… all in a nasty manner for even having just 7 or 8 sexual lifetime partners. They are taught it devalues them. To be secure enough to jump into swinging most women need a partner they know will not judge them in that manner and who will stay with and support them.
With such a partner many women find the world of swinging an enlightening and empowering experience.
How women are viewed by the general masses when it comes to sexual activities is the very reason there are so few single women in swinging compared to single men.
Men are not judged in such ways.
So… How to suggest going to a swingers party for the first time…
If you have a girlfriend now and have not spoken about swinging to her, but wish to do so my suggestion is going slow.
Bring up swinging and other forms of nonmonogamy in ways that keep it outside of your own relationship.
Maybe talk about related news events, surveys, movies, etc…
This will get the ball rolling in the right direction and let you know where she stands on the subject.
If after a few weeks of this all seems cool, slowly start adding in suggestions as hypothetical type situations. Don’t rush it.
Women don’t want to feel pushed or rushed.
Eventually you can get to good fantasy play.
Once you have those bits in place (her views from discussions+fantasy talk) give it some more time before starting in with the “I would like to do that for real,” type talk. Once you start with that I suggest not doing it very much. A tiny mention twice in a month can keep it in her mind and let her build her own ideas on the subject. A mention every other day could make her think your just pushing her and that she isn’t enough for you.
If she doesn’t end up wanting to try it out in that way then it most likely isn’t a good idea anyway.
Scenario two is that you have a new girlfriend or are between girlfriends currently.
In this case my advice would be different.
You are not connected with this girl yet. No actual bonds or commitments exist.
In the same way as I mentioned above get the topic out there in the open.
Start a dialog from something related. News, TV characters, music, art, etc…
In this scenario however once that dialog has been started you should just jump in with your viewpoints.
Let it be known from the start that you think the idea of swinging is cool.
You are not a real couple yet, so there isn’t any huge pressure. It lays your cards on the table so the women knows what she will be getting into if she gets into a serious relationship with you.
Many will “run for the hills,” as Miranda said, but that is not a bad thing if becoming part of the lifestyle is a necessity for you.
It is better to just get it out there right away than spend months forming a relationship your not going to have success with or not be content with.
As for Miranda’s idea of finding a single woman who is already in the swingers lifestyle, best bet if your single at the the moment is to go that direction.
It wont be easy, but it does happen. We have met many couples who originally met as singles through lifestyle clubs and websites.
Good luck to you.

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Advice on scoring a single girl

by on Jan.06, 2011, under Newbie Help

Question:

I have decided to give swinging a try because I would like to explore my bisexual side.
We have been looking for a girl using online dating sites and have visited a couple lifestyle clubs over the last six months and seem to not be having any luck with catching a girl.
Do you have any advice on how a couple can score a single girl in the lifestyle?

Answer:
By Miranda-
My advice to you is simple. 
Remember to always compliment, always make her feel important (because she is) and never push. 
Remember there are two of you and only one of her so if she feels any pressure to play…you have lost her. 
Feel comfortable that  its okay to be attracted to her and allow yourself to compliment and flirt her up. 
Remind your husband to mind his manners and always allow you the first kiss or move.  Bi girls want to play with both but they need to feel wanted, secure and desired by the female first and foremost.  Because really, you two will be working as team to please your husband and because she is entrusting you both to enjoy her and take care of her. 
If you rush while fishing , all you will get is seaweed or a tangled line.  You need to work your bi sexual catch together so she wants to jump in your boat without any help.  I’m not being sly or dishonest about this, just remember she is the princess  in the situation and in so needs to be treated like one.

Answer:
By Aarron-
As a couple new to swinging and seeking a single girl you have a lot of competition.
When you look at swingers dating sites and check out the newer couples profiles you will notice that a majority of them state they are interested in single girls.
Then take a look at the more rare single bi females profiles and imagine what they have to choose from if they are interested in couples.
Then add all the single guys and gals that are after them and you can get an idea of your odds.
Pretty slim.
If you swing with couples you will eventually meet single females through them, but that is a whole different subject.
So… your profile is the big issue here.
How can you stand out and make yourselves desirable to a single woman when she has so many couples to choose from?
Here are 3  things you should do.

  1. Write your profile in a way that shows your personality and highlights your sense of humor and charm. Note I said “your sense of humor” rather than “try to be humorous.”
  2. Explain what type of woman you would like to meet and why. Remember that she is a person and not a product. I can’t count how many times I have seen a couples profile seeking single women that was worded in a manner that made it sound as if they wished to rent a car for the weekend.
  3. Have good photos of both of you that not only shows your bodies, but your faces too. If for some reason you can’t post your face shot you should send one along with your initial email because otherwise you will usually get no response. Also note that if you don’t have face shots up (and good body shots) you will most likely not get any email enquiries from single women ever and should plan on doing all of the initial contact yourself. If the girl can’t see you , why would she write you?

Our profiles have good photos and show some of our personality.
I think it is because of that reason we get a few single females a month writing to us… even though we specifically state that we are primarily interested in couples, but “may be interested” in a single female if she seems a “perfect” fit.

As for lifestyle clubs:
Miranda pretty much summed it up.
The only thing I would add is that you should exude confidence without seeming cocky.
Women love confidence, but usually don’t like arrogance. It is a fine line to walk, but it must be learned.

With that all said…
My personal opinion is that if you want to “score” a single girl as a couple it would be much easier to do so in the vanilla bar setting than via swingers lifestyle sites and even lifestyle clubs if you have your game down.
In a vanilla bar setting the most important thing to know when approaching a single girl is to make it 100% obvious that you are both into the idea.
You don’t want her to have any doubts that it is an opportunity for a fun and exciting evening.
Besides that it is all about body language and charisma.
You know if you have that already.
It’s time to dust off those old pick-up skills you used before you got married and put them to work again.
If you are saying “I never really had those skills.” then your options are to learn them or to stick with the swingers dating sites and lifestyle clubs.
You still need some social skills in a lifestyle club, but because all the cards are already on the table you don’t need any actual pick-up skills.
Everybody knows why they are there. The rituals of the vanilla bars can be skipped and you can just introduce, chat, flirt, ask.

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